happy mother's day everyone. we went to an amazing church service today, with urging to let go of any old crap you still think your mother owes you and move to the now, move to a place of love. it was much a bigger and better message than that, but this is the piece that stuck with me. it's true. the primary thing all mothers gave us, whether they were good, bad, indifferent or absent, they gave us life. what they did from there on varies with each of us, but one thing i think is true, is that our mothers did the best they could with what they had. not all of them had the best tools, some had too much of their own pain to see thru. some had misguided ideas of what was best or right. but what we decide to do with it from here, that part is up to us.
i started this post as a reminder to myself of my initial intent with this blog. i happened to go back to my first post tonight and saw that my intention was to use this to reflect on my day, my life with sophia, and to create a kind of gratitude journal for us to look back on. i strayed from that course a bit and this had started to become the chronicles of my move to portland and back.
so tonight, i reflect on a beautiful 24 past hours. first a babysitter and a night out for mama, perhaps only 4th or 5th time to do that in 3 years. went to a fundraising gala for local arts workspace, all dressed up and dancing under the stars. was taken cruising with 3 handsome men in a 20 foot 1960 cadillac, stopping along state street for tequilla shots...then back to the dance floor and 3 different propositions for a "ride home"...hah! what a night for a single mom, eh? i went home with known and beloved riccardo, father of my child, with whom i've been somewhat estranged for the last 2 weeks. we're finally navigating the tough choices of our relationship and finding our way. i've been trying to reclaim myself, my sexuality, and all things relating to riccardo. but last night, the magic was in the air, and perhaps something about others wanting me did something for him, who really knows, but a ride home turned into a powerful physical reconnection, then he left at 5 am to take his mom to vegas for a few days. not sure when we will see him again, we are working out at least 1 night a week visitation.
whoosh, got way off track there...just a little update, but back to reflecting...so fun night of drinking and dancing and a chance to step out in heels and an evening gown...all to the tune of flattering compliments from so many people i know and love. great music, full moon, and all the time, the lovely Pema had my sweetie pie out on a date of her own, dancing and drumming until a pretty darn late 11 pm for a 3 year old! Pems spent the night and she and Sophia made me a mother's day breakfast in bed! then we all went to the church service, saw so many more people i know and love. wild that i'd never even heard of that church and its less than a half a mile from my house. after sophia and i went to the library and had lunch out, then back home for a long nap. tonight i made sophia dinner in bed because she liked this concept so much!
overall a lovely mothers day. i have a deep gratitude for the messages coming my way about divine love. i have been searching for a spiritual path for some time. the crazy thing is that now it seems to be searching for me. i am deeply grateful for my biggest teacher, my sweet and beautiful sophia. i am at every moment simultaneously proud of her, in awe of her, in awe of me, and scared out of my gourd! i want so much to give her a golden childhood, and also see the effects that single motherhood has on that dream. i want so much better for her than what i am often able to provide. i guess every mother feels that way. i just pray a little, breathe a lot and keep on trying harder.
and i wonder how often my mother did the exact same thing.
