who would've thought? a poem for my mother

giver of life, mother.
you are such a mystery to me.
little do I understand about you.
your inner workings
confound me.
your sense of spirit
eludes me.
your passions & priorities
completely pass me by.

but here, now,
in this moment of motherhood,
somewhere in the distance,
I hear you,
and I know you understand.

giver of life, I
now give back.

written sometime in the summer of 2002,
belly full of baby, head full of reflection

i have not slept

you crawl through space and time
to reach me
moving slow enough for
fate to catch you.

invisible to swords and samurai
untouchable by wands and wizards
stopping the movement of planets
long enough to grasp my hand.

did i dream it all one glorious night?
through midnight blues and scarlet reds,
through jade and tourmaline,
through bone and skin,
bringing together air and water
in a brilliant cascade of color,
exploding in the night.

did it wake you too?

i have not slept one night since
the visions keep me dancing
all night through.

7/14/02

time to write

all this time on my hands. not sure what to do with it.

took a few days off work to get this thing removed from my right breast. last remnant of a part of motherhood i may never experience again. it was a lump that evolved from an amount of dried up milk which was never expressed when Sophia stopped nursing very abruptly. it gave me quite a scare while we were up in portland, part of what drove me back to the sunny shores of santa barbara and to the arms of people i love. well it never really went away, and finally i was told i needed to have it removed.

so i'm on a borrowed laptop from work and finding that Sophia will actually fall asleep to the dim light of the screen if i am lying in bed next to her. so now, after weeks of crazy hectic full days at work, i can actually find time to blog at night. and listen to new ani difranco music. and find some alone time (well mostly alone, if i can ignore the incessant snoring from a certain small person in bed next to me!).

spent similar alone time this morning while she snored, in the time between dawn and when my sleepyhead wakes up. a morning of reverie, rather than rushing to pack a lunchbox, getting ready for work. i spent it re-reading old journal entries from around the time sophia was conceived. i'll post some of my writing next. i think i'm ready to actually share some of my own writings. but before i do that, wanted to share what happened when sophia woke up. in this journal, there is a folder pocket, which contains scraps of things from that time: post-it notes with Ricco's cell phone numbers in Europe, business card from my midwife, a train ticket, receipt for my EPT tests. and among all that, are the ultrasound photos. the only photos of sophia's lost twin. i was staring into these distorted images, finding a face for the first time staring at me thru the technology. it was a strange moment, i think i'd always just tucked those photos away, trying to tuck away the loss at the same time. when i found out i was carrying twins, i was a 32 year old single woman, overwhelmed already by early pregnancy, trying to continue to run a business thru the haze of morning sickness and hormones, as well as coping with the fact of loving someone who was, in one way, all i had ever dreamed of, but on the other hand, was likely to never show up for me or our child in the ways we really wanted him to.

add to that whirling swirling head space not one, but two babies. and one of them with something severely wrong with it physically, only one fifth the size of the other. well it just felt like good news to find out a few weeks later that the smaller baby did not have a heartbeat, would not survive. at that time, i felt some loss, but mostly relief. and not until now, nearly 5 years later, do i pull those ultrasound pix out again and really feel that there was another life in me which never made it out to see the light of day.

oh my baby, my small small child. you join so many other of your brothers and sisters who passed into me, but not through me. i told sophia, your big sister about you today. showed her your photographs. she wants to know why we never saw you. she thinks maybe she saw you inside once. thank you for accompanying sophia on part of her journey to this world. we're sorry we never met you, sorry we couldn't hold you and help make your passing easier. we hope you are safe and warm and loved somewhere. i am sorry as your mother that i did not see your face any sooner than this. i was so sad about losing you, i think, that i just couldn't open my eyes or my heart to you before now. we love you little one.

she goes underwater!

After 2 days in a row at the pool, Sophia finally went underwater! She's so proud of herself, and it was really fun to watch her go from being so afraid to get her ears wet to dunking herself totally under, over and over and over again. We had to practically pull her out of the water.

It all started while playing "Shamu" with her dad. He would do tricks and she'd pretend to go underwater to get fish to reward him with. But she wasn't putting her face in, just holding her nose and pretending. Then about 20 mins later, something clicked and she just went all the way down. She kept doing it and doing it, and yelling to the lifeguards, "Eric did you see me, I went underwater! I just learned!" Then she'd go under while holding her nose shut, then let go of her nose, lift her knees to her chest and start paddling with her hands and feet to resurface. This was all in water that was just at chin level for her, so she could stand at any time, but that made her confident enough to take the "plunge", pun intended!

We're scheduled to go again this coming weekend, so stay tuned for progress reports! There's no doubt, folks, this girl is growing up for sure!

carey's last day

Tomorrow is Carey's last day at work for a while. When she comes back, she'll be a mama. So this is a tribute post to her, both for all she's done for me to help me grow professionally in my new career, and to the journey she is about to begin. It's a river that you only cross once, and you can never ever cross back again. You will now and forever always be a mom. As I heard Oprah once say, "becoming a parent is learning how to walk around forever with your heart on the outside of you."

Carey's blog is here: http://careycaulfield.blogspot.com/

At work, Carey is known as the UI Goddess. She's taught me many things about making decisions, putting a stake in the ground, keeping it simple and how to wrangle engineers, managers, marketing people, and fellow designers. She introduced me to being a gutsy girl. Mentor, role model, all around great person to have your back in a new and sometimes precarious new position. Hats off!!

Outside of work, she is very crafty and starting up a side hobby doing digital scrapbooking. It's a cool techie spin on the massively popular multi-billion dollar industry. I know she's going to have an awesome site on this one day. Keep this blog bookmarked for the future!

So, it may be sayonara for now, Carey, but your influence and wisdom will live on, rock on, and carry on until you come back to work. Now go on and get ready for the ride of your life, which is about to begin!! :)

Quilting project with a preschooler

Sophia and I made a quilt for my friend who's having a baby soon. It was fun, a great project to do together with a 4 year old, because she loved putting the squares together, totally "got" the concept of making patterns with the fabric colors. It was right at her artistic and geometric comprehension level! I highly recommend quilting to home schoolers, as it involves so many skills and learning opportunities. I think it came out pretty great!

your boss's boss

I've recently come across a revolutionary book "Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead, but Gutsy Girls Do" by Kate White. I call it revolutionary because it is revolutionizing how I see myself in the workplace.

Click here for a quick synopsis of the finer points of the book

Really good stuff, including tips such as:

- Does your boss's boss know who you are?
- Dress as if you were in the job you aspire to
- Close your door for the same hour every day for "big goal" time

A friend recently gave me the book, which offers so much more than just the cheat sheet above. But even reading that short list helped me to get a new computer last week even though my boss said there were "budget cuts" affecting our department. And it's going to help me get a raise next week. Stay tuned for a post after I ask for THAT!

My colleague passed the book on to me in a veil of secrecy, asking me to not let her secrets out of the bag here at work. But since it's the best thing I've done for myself as a working woman and the sole income provider for my family, I couldn't help but empower the other working mamas reading this blog with it as well. Why not help you gals rise to the top in your corporate worlds along with me? (But shhhh....no one mention this to my boss....!)

This book caused a light to go off in my head, regarding the "good girl" concept, under which I was raised, as likely most of us were. This book is not only helping me rise in my career, but the bigger impact is that I am becoming a role model for MY daughter about how to be a gusty girl. I think it's one of the greatest gifts I can give my daughter is to learn how to be this way in the world. Cut to the chase, rise to the top, be anything she wants to be. In school, career, relationships, and more. I'm lovin' it!

Focus for my blog

I've decided I want to focus on something with this blog. The first rule of writing, I've heard, is to write what you know. I also know that in my life, when I've needed support, the best way to get it is to create it. So here are the areas I am considering focusing this blog on, which are both things I know about and areas I'd like more support in:

1. food allergies/sensitivities in children
2. being a working mom
3. being a single mom
4. how to make money off your blog or website

OK that last one I am not an expert at, but I want to be, so putting it in my list to start manifesting it that way!

This list also comes from what I want to "get" out of the internet, first and foremost. I spend my days hopping around the internet in a random, non-focused way and I have only so many hours in a day, so these are the areas I feel I can learn the most from and which the internet is a great tool for.

However, if I can both make money by creating a blog on one topic, and if I can also actually help other people with my knowledge acquired thus far as a mom, that would be incredible. So the first two bullets are my top choices. I know a lot about food allergies, but not sure it thrills me to write about them. And in my new career path, I am starting to realize that women in the workplace still have a long way to go, and that there is little support out there for working women, and even less for working moms. So I'm going to start a few posts on these two topics and let my "readers" decide which they'd rather hear more from me on. I hope I have a few readers left out there!

"I want to change the world" - Sophia

If you haven't listened to the song I have in the little music player on the sidebar of my blog, click it when you have a chance. The reason it's there is because when I was listening to it, Sophia said to me:

"Is that song about me? Because I want to change the world. I want to change the world because I don't think anything is belonging right. Because I don't want there to be any war and no guns sticking to people's pants. Isn't that so weird?"

Straight quote. I typed it as she said it. That's enough reason for a mama to put a song on her blog, isn't it?!

A few weeks ago, we were at a fundraiser where kids could make a wish from a "Wish Fairy" if mom or dad made a cash donation. Her friends asked for a pony, a Barbie car, a little brother. Sophia wished that there could be no more war, only peace.

Some days, I think I haven't a clue what I am doing as a parent. Other days, like these, I know I am doing just fine...