Mega Update

Goodness, looks like I have not blogged in a while! So, the update in a nutshell:

• I closed down my design business of 6 years and returned to full time employment. I am proud to announce myself as a User Interface Designer for Citrix Online, maker of fine products such as Go To My PC and Go To Meeting, among other things. I design the software and research how to make it easier to use. It's a whole new direction for me career-wise and it's a lot of fun!

• Love life = well nothing really to report. Prior post didn't completely pan out, or is still a big question mark, so I've decided against posting on dating again until something like my 1 year anniversary with Mr or Ms Right...whattya think?

• Bad news = I had a car accident 2 days before Thanksgiving. I totalled my car and hit 2 other cars. I came out of it pretty lucky, as Sophia was not with me and my injuries, while pretty darn hard to deal with, were minor and recoverable. Injuries include heavy duty whiplash, bruised ribs, some bulging discs in my lumbar area, and some ligament & soft tissue damage which all adds up to a lot of pain and missed time on my new job, but it's getting better. The crappy part is that my used car obviously was in an accident prior to my purchasing it and the damage was covered up by the slimeball who sold it. There was no airbag, and the insurance adjuster found that the airbag light had been jimmy-rigged to be turned off, so that no one would know that the airbag was missing. Apparently they are very expensive to replace so some people don't. Losers. Anyway, this prior accident also comprised the seat belts, so mine flew off of me at impact. Which means at the time of the crash, I was unrestrained. I bounced around the front of the car, that's why my injuries are so tough. Likewise, the other seat belt which was engaged at the time, the one holding Sophia's empty car seat, also popped out on impact, and her carseat went plummeting upside down thru the car. So so so lucky she was not in it.

Someone said to me that I was really lucky to have found out about the unsafe state of my car in a relatively minor accident. I mean it totalled my car and caused about $4000 damage to the other cars, but what if I had been in a head on collision with a car without proper belts and airbag? Whew...I don't even want to think about it. I bought this car before the day of Carfax and the extensive information available online about used cars. Please take my experience to heart next time you're shopping for a used car and do the research!

• This has all got me thinking about durable power of attorney for healthcare decisions, a will, who I'd want to raise Sophia if anything happened to me, and all that jazz. More to post when I get to that stuff...as I am sure I will want to record what I find and how I make my decisions.

So that's the state of things here. I am slowly recuperating and getting some mobility back but am in constant pain. I just started physical therapy which is helping a great deal and I found a really amazing young new doctor, a mom of 2 kids under age 3, who is refreshing my few on medical professionals. That's cool. And I have a swank holiday party to go to next Friday, without a date. But I'm gonna dress up to the nines anyway just for the hell of it! Something tells me I'm past my days of caring about things like that and happy to just have fun. Probably will meet more of my new co-workers without a date anyway!

Better Late than Never: Mother's Day post

I just read the best mother f-ing blog post (pardon my pun) about the origins of Mother's Day...I will not say anymore more but to have you read this. It completely made my night...my completely exhausted mother-worn night. Read on...

http://womensspace.wordpress.com/2006/05/14/mothers-militant-mothers-day-as-resistance-2/

reflecting on a blog

happy mother's day everyone. we went to an amazing church service today, with urging to let go of any old crap you still think your mother owes you and move to the now, move to a place of love. it was much a bigger and better message than that, but this is the piece that stuck with me. it's true. the primary thing all mothers gave us, whether they were good, bad, indifferent or absent, they gave us life. what they did from there on varies with each of us, but one thing i think is true, is that our mothers did the best they could with what they had. not all of them had the best tools, some had too much of their own pain to see thru. some had misguided ideas of what was best or right. but what we decide to do with it from here, that part is up to us.

i started this post as a reminder to myself of my initial intent with this blog. i happened to go back to my first post tonight and saw that my intention was to use this to reflect on my day, my life with sophia, and to create a kind of gratitude journal for us to look back on. i strayed from that course a bit and this had started to become the chronicles of my move to portland and back.

so tonight, i reflect on a beautiful 24 past hours. first a babysitter and a night out for mama, perhaps only 4th or 5th time to do that in 3 years. went to a fundraising gala for local arts workspace, all dressed up and dancing under the stars. was taken cruising with 3 handsome men in a 20 foot 1960 cadillac, stopping along state street for tequilla shots...then back to the dance floor and 3 different propositions for a "ride home"...hah! what a night for a single mom, eh? i went home with known and beloved riccardo, father of my child, with whom i've been somewhat estranged for the last 2 weeks. we're finally navigating the tough choices of our relationship and finding our way. i've been trying to reclaim myself, my sexuality, and all things relating to riccardo. but last night, the magic was in the air, and perhaps something about others wanting me did something for him, who really knows, but a ride home turned into a powerful physical reconnection, then he left at 5 am to take his mom to vegas for a few days. not sure when we will see him again, we are working out at least 1 night a week visitation.

whoosh, got way off track there...just a little update, but back to reflecting...so fun night of drinking and dancing and a chance to step out in heels and an evening gown...all to the tune of flattering compliments from so many people i know and love. great music, full moon, and all the time, the lovely Pema had my sweetie pie out on a date of her own, dancing and drumming until a pretty darn late 11 pm for a 3 year old! Pems spent the night and she and Sophia made me a mother's day breakfast in bed! then we all went to the church service, saw so many more people i know and love. wild that i'd never even heard of that church and its less than a half a mile from my house. after sophia and i went to the library and had lunch out, then back home for a long nap. tonight i made sophia dinner in bed because she liked this concept so much!

overall a lovely mothers day. i have a deep gratitude for the messages coming my way about divine love. i have been searching for a spiritual path for some time. the crazy thing is that now it seems to be searching for me. i am deeply grateful for my biggest teacher, my sweet and beautiful sophia. i am at every moment simultaneously proud of her, in awe of her, in awe of me, and scared out of my gourd! i want so much to give her a golden childhood, and also see the effects that single motherhood has on that dream. i want so much better for her than what i am often able to provide. i guess every mother feels that way. i just pray a little, breathe a lot and keep on trying harder.

and i wonder how often my mother did the exact same thing.

$2000 vs just a little piece of land

i'm looking for a place to live in santa barbara, my homeland. y'all know that. so as it usually goes in this little big town, i got a word-of-mouth referral about a house for rent. 2 bedrooms, 1 bath. walking distance to preschool. small but nice. just a regular looking house with aluminum siding, with very little of the charm you can usually find around here. funky details inside, not quite cute details, just funky. no garage, but a big, water-tight storage shed as well as a detached art studio space with electricity. it could be just storage, but it has a nice big picture window overlooking the spacious back yard, window is framed by cactus and aloe plants...far too inspiring for simply storing boxes!

so the backyard is about as much square footage as the house: one third is a covered patio, in red Satillo tile; two thirds is grass bordered by raised garden beds, oak, palm & lemon trees, with the backdrop of a steep but very picturesque oak and nasturtium covered hillside. this backyard and the art studio, these are the things that make the house. the things that i want for my daughter and i. the things that make me start to consider paying rent of $2000 per month.

then i step back and think whoa nelly, what the hell? two grand a month? to rent someone else's house? with their ugly carpet choices and their unwillingness to part from stark white walls? where i come from, paying even half of that is considered a mortgage on a very nice house. add that to the fact that i've been struggling to pay $1000-1200 for the last 4 years. what then possesses me to start even thinking about $2000?

it's that yard that's seducing me. how sophia's room has french doors leading right out to it. how there is no other house behind it, just the wilderness coming down to meet its neighbors. plus some spaces for us. sophia to have her own room. me to have a studio again.

i shake the fairy dust out of my eyes, blink a few times and realize i need to keep looking. for $2000, i'm finding THE perfect place, not a bunch of weird details to "settle" on. for $2300, i could likely find a 3 bed/2 bath spot, something easier to rent a room out and share the rent. Or for $1200 maybe i can still find a one bedroom in this town and I get a nice futon couch and give Sophia the bedroom, like many single moms i know in this town.

next time you see me, remind me to not give up the dream for that little piece of land for me and my little piece of girl to set our roots down in and bloom.

it's out there, right?

hmm well hmmm

Just haven't blogged in so long, I felt I needed to post an update. In no particular order.

So we did not get that house down in the previous post. Our dream home still eludes us here. But we found a fun landing place for 3 months, until mid-June, which gets us to a better rental time of year, when students are leaving, etc. In the meantime, we can take our time looking for the perfect home and for now, we are in a really nice 4 bedroom, 2 story house, with fireplaces (plural) and granite kitchen countertops, 2 car garage...all for pretty cheap because it's a temp rental and the landlord is a nice guy. Photos here are from Sophia's recent 3rd bday party at our house. You can see more photos here.

Riccardo is back in CA visiting us, in between going down to LA for work. He's been down there for a few weeks. For spring break, we went to SF with our friends, Jack, Diana and 3 year old Santiago. Visited the aquarium, saw sea lions on the pier, went to MOMA (great Calder exhibit!), the huge Apple store, Berkeley & the Children's Museum there, lots of bookstores & toystores & an art gallery & the Art Institute (got a tour from Michelle!), and rode street cars, the trolley & even a ferry across the bay! Saw our friends Michelle and Laureen (& all of team Hudson) up there. Fun, fun but ever so urban.

We're planning a trip to Sea World in San Diego for the last weekend of April. Sophia is currently obsessed with beluga whales, as well as her other favorites: orcas, dolphins, octopi, manta rays and anything you might have seen in Finding Nemo. She got a fish for her birthday, named it Dory of course, but don't tell Sophia it's only a betta!

All in all, in case I haven't said it yet, it's good to be home. Thanks to everyone who has checked in with us. We're doing well! And what's funny, I have a humungous house here, and I seem to find every bedroom full almost every night. We have one paying roommate, Aubri, and then there's me, Sophia, sometimes Riccardo, every once in a while an artist friend down on their luck or a visiting professor from Europe or all of the above at once! A friend noticed that I seem to have built a little village...and how it's funny that I went up to Portland seeking intentional community, and yet I probably had it all along here, I just couldn't afford a large enough house in Santa Barbara! But my personality type is one of open doors and hospitality, with a soft spot for the lost puppies of the world, so with any luck, I will be able to continue to manifest this kind of community and generosity, leading to always having a full table at dinner and finding all of my sheets in continual use!

homeless but home again

well we have been back in santa barbara for almost a month. still looking for a home, but having a roof over our heads thanks to the gracious generosity of friends. the house hunt has taken way longer than I'd anticipated, but thankfully Jack, Diana and Santiago are in Argentina and needing a house/pet sitter so we're on our way to tend gardens, chickens, snakes, mice, turtles, fish and a dog.

crossing our fingers that this might turn out to be our new house, so if anyone is seeing this, send us your good vibes around 2 pm tomorrow when i will hopefully find out if it's ours or not. we're meeting the owners and seeing if they like us and my credit report.

other than an insane amount of time-consuming house and preschool hunting and also the ever present trying to work without childcare, being back has been great. seeing our friends and being in this glorious sunny weather has been tonic for the soul. interesting to see what has changed here and what has stayed the same. most of it is probably changes within my own perceptions really. above all, i still carry the gratitude in my heart for being back home and am riding the waves of this transition with a positive outlook.

the return has been good for sophia, she is really happy to be back, but it's also been a lot of transition for her. and i am learning to forgive myself for that too. parents can be really really hard on themselves for their choices and i am no exception. i look forward to the calm that will hopefully settle back around our lives soon.

until then, it's springtime here and everything is blooming.

lupin growing on the roadside >>

"Spring has returned. The earth is like a child that knows poems."- Rilke

RENTED!

OK the house is rented, someone signed a lease, we're on our way back home!!! Off to get boxes and mattress covers...hurrah!!

And speaking of reading...

OK got a crazy call tonight from my doctor, who apparently doesn't know how to read mammograms, and they want me to come back in soon for another round. There's a disparity between what the radiologist told me and what the dr sees there so I need to go back in. Lucky for us, I'm at the end of my menstrual cycle so the little bugger is bigger than ever, shouldn't be hard to spot. It actually feels lumpier than before, or bumpy, so that's odd and I haven't told them that yet.

I got a "mostly" good news report last week that it was likely just a clogged milk duct from Sophia's recent and rapid self-weaning. She just decided there was no more milk in there and told me so, then nursed a few more times over a few weeks and was done. So they said likely some milk is backed up in there and forming a little cyst, which should be monitored for 3 months and then drained by needle aspiration if necessary. Could even clear up with a few menstrual cycles, or could get worse, so we have to keep on top of it.

Tonight, the doctor called and told me they are unclear and want to retest. For those who have had the old boob-o-smoosh-o-rama fest, I've got smallish breasts (but boy I loved nursing, they were up 2 whole cup sizes for a good 3 years there!!) and the lump is high, above the fleshy part of the breast so difficult to capture it in the smooshy plastic chomper thing. If you haven't had one, just imagine trying to make a Xerox of your breast sideways, but the thing that is pressing down is like a machine driven vise grip...it smooshes your breast flat so they can take a picture, and you have to stand still, topless, and not breathe while this thing compacts you with pressure. Maybe not so pressure-y for larger breasted women, but I was leaning in with all my might just to get the lump area in. Of course there are other pains with larger breasts in the chomp vise, but I will just stop here!

Anyway, as I've said, I'll keep you posted. Funny tidbit, Sophia started puking when the doctor was telling me this...is that a sign? OK gross enough, and TMI for one post, eh?

Reading signs?

OK OK how does one discern what is and is not a "sign"? Today, on one hand, I got a zillions signs about one thing that all seem crystal clear now (of course in retrospect) but then have had so many confusing signs on another thing that my head is spinning.

First thing, it looks like all signs were pointing all day that I was not going out tonight. Had a Mom's Night Out and a babysitter planned for a month. Then at 3 pm, the sitter called in sick. For an hour, I call the other 4 sitters I know, no one is free. At 4 pm Sophia said her tummy hurts. At 5 pm a friend calls and offers her babysitter. At 5:15, Sophia pukes all over me, she obviously has the stomach bug that had me down and out for 2 full days earlier in the week. So I wasn't supposed to find a sitter or go out, my baby needed me home. Clear as a bell, cool to see how the universe just spells things out if we're listening.

So what does this whole rent my house drama mean?? Signs...are they signs? I decide to move after what seems like the biggest sign (a marble in my right breast, that's braille you don't want to be reading). See sign, read sign, act on sign...check. Universe starts to unfold with job opportunities in new location, friends opening their doors to me, Uhaul being MEGA-cheaper one way to CA than out of it (welcome to the hotel cal-i-fornia...you can check in anytime you like....). All signs seem to be blazing ahead bck to Santa Barbara. OK so then what's all this garbage: 2 different renters fill out applications, even pay $40 per adult (that's been $120 so far) for app fees, then they bail out. So far, I have no one to rent my place. If I don't find someone, I'm holding the bag for the rent here, so I can't leave. I can't afford rent in two places, and have invested so much planning in this Feb 1st thing that I am counting on my deposit refund and don't really have enough to even make the full rent here in Feb. Blah...what does it all mean? Slow down? It's weird, I have had two distinct times now in a week thinking I've got a tenant, I'm about to announce my move date, then BAM, they back out. Then it happened again, today. Does any of it really mean anything?

It's a cute house, right? Come on someone, rent this baby!!

I was being such a true believer in signs earlier. Now I'm back to my bah humbug approach and "nothing means anything" attitude. I'm breathing. Taking big deep ones and trying to just allow the universe to part the waters, show me the way. I'm lumping stuff in boxes and proceeding mentally as if my plan is manifesting and I just have to get out of the way and let it happen. But I also feel a bit like a fool and wondering if Craigslist is just not enough, should I be paying out more money to advertise the house, etc? Putting up cute little signs with tear offs of my phone # in coffeeshops? (Gawd please tell me those days are over?!) I mean, come on, am I supposed to be putting up signs or just reading them as they are handed down to me from on high?

I guess sometimes, we all just need a healthy dose of feeling the fool to get our perspective on straight. Right?

where I've been, where I'm going

Ah yes, it's been a looong time since I've posted and many have asked where I've been all this time? Well life just keeps swirling and dancing with me, taking me on many unexpected twists and leaps lately. I was gone for a few weeks visiting family, had a really crazy time getting thru airport security, past a few illnesses, and thru a few major financial hurdles, but we made it back here safe and sound. Broke, but healthy, right?

Hmm. Right? Hey universe, I didn't really hear your answer there, it was kinda muffled. What was that you said?

So a few days ago, I found a lump in my right breast. It's small, but definitely there on one side and not on the other. I have a mammogram scheduled for tomorrow. I keep hoping it is nothing, just something to do with recently stopping nursing. (Yes, Sophia stopped all on her own, about 3 weeks ago was the last time, sniff sniff! She was just ready and told me there was no more milk in there. Who knew it would be so easy?)

But whatever it is, this sort of lentil sized lump has brought everything in my life into an alarmingly crisp focus...it's time to go back home. Back to where the people who love you live. Back to where you know where to go for every conceivable medical office, know how long it takes you to drive from there to your preschool, where there are people close by who Sophia loves who could be with her if, heaven forbid, I have to stay in the hospital overnight or something like that down the line. Just simply I need to be in a place where I feel strong and on my home turf if I am about to be fighting something with all I've got. Home court advantage. Clear as the nose on my face.

So I gave notice on my house and at preschool. I'm trying to find a replacement renter here for Feb 1. So all you Californians take note...we're coming home! I can't tell you how relieved I am for the agonizing and decision making to be finally over. I am ever so grateful for all I've learned here and the phenomenal people I have met. It has been illuminating in so many ways. And hopefully I am coming back with a story to tell of this silly health scare that turned out to be nothing. I ask for your prayers and healing thoughts my way, especially tomorrow around 3pm Pacific time. I will keep you posted!