RENTED!

OK the house is rented, someone signed a lease, we're on our way back home!!! Off to get boxes and mattress covers...hurrah!!

And speaking of reading...

OK got a crazy call tonight from my doctor, who apparently doesn't know how to read mammograms, and they want me to come back in soon for another round. There's a disparity between what the radiologist told me and what the dr sees there so I need to go back in. Lucky for us, I'm at the end of my menstrual cycle so the little bugger is bigger than ever, shouldn't be hard to spot. It actually feels lumpier than before, or bumpy, so that's odd and I haven't told them that yet.

I got a "mostly" good news report last week that it was likely just a clogged milk duct from Sophia's recent and rapid self-weaning. She just decided there was no more milk in there and told me so, then nursed a few more times over a few weeks and was done. So they said likely some milk is backed up in there and forming a little cyst, which should be monitored for 3 months and then drained by needle aspiration if necessary. Could even clear up with a few menstrual cycles, or could get worse, so we have to keep on top of it.

Tonight, the doctor called and told me they are unclear and want to retest. For those who have had the old boob-o-smoosh-o-rama fest, I've got smallish breasts (but boy I loved nursing, they were up 2 whole cup sizes for a good 3 years there!!) and the lump is high, above the fleshy part of the breast so difficult to capture it in the smooshy plastic chomper thing. If you haven't had one, just imagine trying to make a Xerox of your breast sideways, but the thing that is pressing down is like a machine driven vise grip...it smooshes your breast flat so they can take a picture, and you have to stand still, topless, and not breathe while this thing compacts you with pressure. Maybe not so pressure-y for larger breasted women, but I was leaning in with all my might just to get the lump area in. Of course there are other pains with larger breasts in the chomp vise, but I will just stop here!

Anyway, as I've said, I'll keep you posted. Funny tidbit, Sophia started puking when the doctor was telling me this...is that a sign? OK gross enough, and TMI for one post, eh?

Reading signs?

OK OK how does one discern what is and is not a "sign"? Today, on one hand, I got a zillions signs about one thing that all seem crystal clear now (of course in retrospect) but then have had so many confusing signs on another thing that my head is spinning.

First thing, it looks like all signs were pointing all day that I was not going out tonight. Had a Mom's Night Out and a babysitter planned for a month. Then at 3 pm, the sitter called in sick. For an hour, I call the other 4 sitters I know, no one is free. At 4 pm Sophia said her tummy hurts. At 5 pm a friend calls and offers her babysitter. At 5:15, Sophia pukes all over me, she obviously has the stomach bug that had me down and out for 2 full days earlier in the week. So I wasn't supposed to find a sitter or go out, my baby needed me home. Clear as a bell, cool to see how the universe just spells things out if we're listening.

So what does this whole rent my house drama mean?? Signs...are they signs? I decide to move after what seems like the biggest sign (a marble in my right breast, that's braille you don't want to be reading). See sign, read sign, act on sign...check. Universe starts to unfold with job opportunities in new location, friends opening their doors to me, Uhaul being MEGA-cheaper one way to CA than out of it (welcome to the hotel cal-i-fornia...you can check in anytime you like....). All signs seem to be blazing ahead bck to Santa Barbara. OK so then what's all this garbage: 2 different renters fill out applications, even pay $40 per adult (that's been $120 so far) for app fees, then they bail out. So far, I have no one to rent my place. If I don't find someone, I'm holding the bag for the rent here, so I can't leave. I can't afford rent in two places, and have invested so much planning in this Feb 1st thing that I am counting on my deposit refund and don't really have enough to even make the full rent here in Feb. Blah...what does it all mean? Slow down? It's weird, I have had two distinct times now in a week thinking I've got a tenant, I'm about to announce my move date, then BAM, they back out. Then it happened again, today. Does any of it really mean anything?

It's a cute house, right? Come on someone, rent this baby!!

I was being such a true believer in signs earlier. Now I'm back to my bah humbug approach and "nothing means anything" attitude. I'm breathing. Taking big deep ones and trying to just allow the universe to part the waters, show me the way. I'm lumping stuff in boxes and proceeding mentally as if my plan is manifesting and I just have to get out of the way and let it happen. But I also feel a bit like a fool and wondering if Craigslist is just not enough, should I be paying out more money to advertise the house, etc? Putting up cute little signs with tear offs of my phone # in coffeeshops? (Gawd please tell me those days are over?!) I mean, come on, am I supposed to be putting up signs or just reading them as they are handed down to me from on high?

I guess sometimes, we all just need a healthy dose of feeling the fool to get our perspective on straight. Right?

where I've been, where I'm going

Ah yes, it's been a looong time since I've posted and many have asked where I've been all this time? Well life just keeps swirling and dancing with me, taking me on many unexpected twists and leaps lately. I was gone for a few weeks visiting family, had a really crazy time getting thru airport security, past a few illnesses, and thru a few major financial hurdles, but we made it back here safe and sound. Broke, but healthy, right?

Hmm. Right? Hey universe, I didn't really hear your answer there, it was kinda muffled. What was that you said?

So a few days ago, I found a lump in my right breast. It's small, but definitely there on one side and not on the other. I have a mammogram scheduled for tomorrow. I keep hoping it is nothing, just something to do with recently stopping nursing. (Yes, Sophia stopped all on her own, about 3 weeks ago was the last time, sniff sniff! She was just ready and told me there was no more milk in there. Who knew it would be so easy?)

But whatever it is, this sort of lentil sized lump has brought everything in my life into an alarmingly crisp focus...it's time to go back home. Back to where the people who love you live. Back to where you know where to go for every conceivable medical office, know how long it takes you to drive from there to your preschool, where there are people close by who Sophia loves who could be with her if, heaven forbid, I have to stay in the hospital overnight or something like that down the line. Just simply I need to be in a place where I feel strong and on my home turf if I am about to be fighting something with all I've got. Home court advantage. Clear as the nose on my face.

So I gave notice on my house and at preschool. I'm trying to find a replacement renter here for Feb 1. So all you Californians take note...we're coming home! I can't tell you how relieved I am for the agonizing and decision making to be finally over. I am ever so grateful for all I've learned here and the phenomenal people I have met. It has been illuminating in so many ways. And hopefully I am coming back with a story to tell of this silly health scare that turned out to be nothing. I ask for your prayers and healing thoughts my way, especially tomorrow around 3pm Pacific time. I will keep you posted!