catch up post

well, it's been a long time since I have blogged, and that last one was sounding pretty depressing! here's what's been happening in hipmama land since then:

• got a raise, think I mentioned that. helps the work burnout a bit.
  
• my office moved to a new location, more posh than we had before, but I am sharing an office (had a private one we had a really great xmas party, crazy fun!
  
• our house-mate of more than a year moved out, which has been like losing a family member. the hunt is still on for a replacement.
• my dad had 2 heart attacks in mid-december. we are in Pennsylvania now with him and the rest of the family. he's doing ok, but scared us for a bit there.
• Riccardo is back in CA, we had a mini-Xmas with him before we left for PA. Sophia got to see him for a few days, which was nice.
• I'm resolving to get back in shape for the new year. It's my way of taking what has happened to my dad and learning from it. I know he would never want any of us to go thru what he has been. So my tribute will be exercising and keeping both heart and body in good shape from now on.

Well that's the nutshell version, but there's always so much more than a few bullets can convey. But that's the catch-up, stay tuned for further philosophical ponderings or photos!

one hell of a good time

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. - E. B. White

Great quote, just found on a homeschooling mom's blog. I am on vacation for a few days, in San Diego visiting my Japanese grandma & her husband who are on their way to catch a cruise to Mexico. I live 3 hours away, so we drove down and are doing Sea World and the Wild Animal Park.

So far, I've been having trouble reminding myself to have a good time. Even on vacation, it seems I am still grumpy & tired with Sophia. I think it would really take an actual 2 week vacation for me to mellow out and feel like I was having a hell of a good time. I need to do that, take 2 weeks and just be with my girl. Let the stress melt itself away like butter sitting out on the counter all day. We've got the upcoming holidays and somehow I've let myself get talked into going back East and staying with my parents for that time. A whole other stressful situation in itself. Not work, rather dealing with them! I would much rather lie on the banks of some beach somewhere and do nothing but collect rocks all day and let Sophia spend as much time as she wants getting as dirty as she wants. And then let it all wash away. And do it all over again the next day. Until I just don't get so angry anymore over the littlest things.

Anyway...in thinking ahead to tomorrow, my intention is to plan the day for both of the above, changing my own little world and having one hell of a good time. We are going to have fun. I am going to relax. I will not yell at Sophia. I will just enjoy the little things. Feed the dolphins, let her choose our pace, chase her around if she asks me to, instead of saying "Mommy's too tired," like I have been saying for at least a year. Just 24 little hours. I am making a pledge to myself to keep this all in check and to just have a good time. I think just this conscious shift is going to make a world of difference for both me and for Sophia.

I was moved tonight by a quote from a blog I stumbled upon:

"...if I put off swimming with my kids until my stomach is flat again, I’ll never be able to teach them how to jump waves. And I know that, in the end, my hesitation is going to be remembered a lot more clearly than how I look in my bathing suit." - Missy, from Life Without School (LWOS)

So so true. What do I want her to learn from me, that hesitation to run, jump, dance, be silly, and enjoy life? Where did that hesitation come from anyway? How did I let this full time working thing run me down so completely? I know I'm just tired and I know it won't always be this way (I hope), but I don't want this to be what she knows of me, what she remembers and carries with her about what it means to be a mommy. I can turn this around. We both deserve it.

how long since I've blogged?

holy smokes, did I really not post for 3 weeks? entirely possible! i am another year older since i last blogged. had my birthday. had a few lunch dates before. not sure if it entirely counts as meeting that goal, because while all were enjoyable, none have produced a 2nd date thus far (though one may soon materialize, but we are both very busy people and keep getting jinxed by disappearing emails and other high tech dating quandries). isn't quandries a word? not in the blogger spell check dictionary...hmmm....

the leaving early thing has started to get better. as well as the taking lunch and breaks at work thing. i'm not back to a reasonable work schedule yet, but i can see it getting slightly better.

BUTTTTTTTT...something really good happened at work. well, 2 things. 2 weeks ago, i asked for a raise. well i pretty much gave an ultimatum for a raise. and it was not an idle threat, believe me. i was all prepared to abandon ship should i get anything less than a nodding boss ready to completely embrace my request for a 22.5% salary increase. and guess what? SHE DID! she went to the mat for me...processed my raise in 4 business days, which normally takes 3-4 weeks. she gave me the entire amount i asked for, didn't negotiate me down, didn't blink an eye. (i probably should have asked for more!!). but hell, as more than one friend has told me, the amount i asked for is a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of replacing me. thanks to all who supported me in asking for what i deserve, you know who you are!

that was wednesday, the day she told me about my raise, which i'd only asked for the previous thursday.

then on friday, we had our quartely all-hands meeting. the whole company is there, from all over the world, either live or on the phone. they give status on the company's fiscal performance, highlights of what good things happened last quarter, what's on the horizon for next quarter, yadda yadda. then they give out awards. Ten "Values" awards and one "Bellringer" award. It's a peer nomination process, anyone can nominate anyone. I have twice nominated someone, but the competition is tough and my nominees haven't made it. This Friday, they called out the winners, and I'm on the list! 11 of us go up there, and they recognize 10 other people before I realize I'm the last winner standing. Brett, the CEO, looks at me and goes "well there's only one award left..." and he starts ringing this bell. The bell is symbolic of this big bell we have (many software companies do) which is rung when a product is released. Everyone who made the release happen get recognized, there's pastries and product schwag and it's a big party.

so the CEO says "this award is for the person who made the biggest contribution to the company in this past quarter, biggest impact to the bottom line, etc. etc...." and then my whole team comes up and presents this award to me. my co-worker Kris says way too kind words, like "all the awards our products get (from PC Magazine, CNET, etc) can all be traced to the work Laura does" (even though that is NOT true, we have a killer team which is far more than just me), and "Laura had some pretty big shoes to fill when Carey went on leave, and shortly after, when we found that changes needed to be made after we went into Beta, Laura single handedly re-designed a complex feature in 2 weeks, which had taken a very senior designer 6 months to design in the first place." (OK Carey if you are reading this, he was so obviously EXAGGERATING!!).

then the CEO said that I got more nominations for an award this quarter than anyone in the history of the company!!! every single person on my team nominated me without realizing the others had done so, and then some other people around the company did too.

and THEN on top of all that, my boss, kristen comes up and says we'd also like to give a new award, the "Awesome Techie Kid Award" to Sophia, "in recognition of your many late nights in the office helping Mommy get her work done. We thank you!" and she'd made this cute little award thing, pasted to a gift bag, which contained a sparkly princess crown and a stuffed kangaroo toy. the amazing thing about this is that it was the very toy that Sophia had been saving up her money to buy for at least 6 weeks! it was utter coincidence, my boss had seen it at the fancy toy shop in town, and because it's a kangaroo, wearing an apron, with the baby in the front pocket, it reminded her of a mama taking her baby with her to work. she had no idea that Sophia has been wanting this forever! so it was truly a magical day, and Sophia really deserved it, as she has been such a trooper, putting up with me putting in so many late nights and weekends lately. it was such a high for me too, the rest of that day, all these people, some i don't even know, coming up and congratulating me. i'd forgotten that the whole company was watching me get this award!! it was very cool.

so...now i feel fairly compensated, valued, etc. my sleep deprivation still exists, but it's getting better. my team at work is going wine tasting as a group bonding activity tomorrow, that should be fun. then my birthday parties are the next day (kid-friendly brunch at the beach in the AM then a grown ups only dinner & dancing party at night). still no date for my party, but i am going to look like a million bucks...bought a sexy outfit and oh yeah, i cut my hair super short & punky and dyed it black with some bright reddish bursts of color here and there. sounds wild, but the color is actually subtle. it's pretty cool, may have been an "oh shit, i'm 37" move, but what the hell, right?! i colored it on my actual birthday, monday.

friends from work threw me a happy hour that night, and the only real person i am interested in having a date with showed up. but since it was a work/group gathering thing, i can't really count that as a date, can i? i did get a hug when i walked in. and he did come because i had the balls to flat out ask him one day in the break room "i'm having a birthday party, would you like to come?" and since he couldn't come to my party this weekend, my friend Jen threw together the happy hour on my actual birthday, really all a veiled effort to get us together outside of work. so does it count if i'm the only one of us who thought of it as a date? as usual, stay tuned...

:)

hilarious Mom song

OK this is the best thing on YouTube right now, in my opinion (which could change every .047 seconds as new video is uploaded to YouTube):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM

books to read and daily goals

I'm making a list of books I want to read. Maybe I should make an amazon.com wishlist for my upcoming bday? Well this is a place to start for now:

1.Byron Katie's A Thousand Names for Joy
2. Don Miguel Ruiz's The Voice of Knowledge
3. Earth Prayers, I lost my copy of this 2 years ago, need to find it!
4. This I Believe: The Personal Philosophies of Remarkable Men & Women
5. Ani DiFranco's new poetry book, Verses. (bought it, haven't read it yet)

And now for the daily check-in on my recently established goals:

1. I am leaving work at 6 pm every night. I left at 7:00 - bad!
2. I am taking a lunch break every day. Part of an hour, sitting at my desk, blogging and making phone calls. Not exactly what I intended, need to leave tomorrow!!
3. I will take a ping pong break once a week. I played today, only briefly, but fun! Laura M is my new ping pong buddy. Yay!
4. I will go out on a date sometime before my birthday and enjoy it. Well...I started emailing with someone new tonight. I hate to email and tell...so I'm going dark on this topic until there is something to write about (see long ago post about the jinx of blogging about a date...bad juju!)
5. keep breathing. I played the song alot today. My boss told me I need to relax more. Does that count?

the angel herself

And here's a picture of the angel who spotted the wings below. Who let her grow up so fast?? I used to have a baby (see post below for proof of this)! What happened?!!

Do I sound like every mom on the planet?

angel wings

I finally realized I can get the photos off my camera card without the camera working, because I have a card reader in my monitor. Finally I get to see the last pix I took before dropping my camera! Still waiting to get it back from Pentax :(

This pic is from last week. Sophia was outside swinging and calling for me, "Mommy get out here, Mom, you'll never believe this!!" I am expecting to find her sprawled on the ground, skinned up knee or peering over a dead bug or something. Instead she is staring up at the sky and says "Mommy it looks like angel wings all over the sky." Then she asked me to take some photos, one of them above. Moments like this one are priceless!

broken camera

OK my camera is broken, and I haven't posted any photos for so long, that I had to pull out some old ones. Someone suggested online dating to me, so I am looking for photos of me, but I have none without Sophia. These are from our "professional photo shoot" we had in Nov 2003 - but the photos are 4 years old!!

Well just in case any of you are taking my last post seriously about setting me up on a blind date, you can tell them what I look like. Only I cut my hair shorter and mostly wear glasses these days.

new commitments to me

1. I am leaving work at 6 pm every night.
2. I am taking a lunch break every day.
3. I will take a ping pong break once a week.
4. I will go out on a date sometime before my birthday and enjoy it. (bday is in exactly 3 weeks)
5. keep breathing.

OK these came to me in the shower this morning. How did I do today?

10/1, how I did on my new commitments? Today's results in pink:

1. I am leaving work at 6 pm every night. I left at 7:30 - bad!
2. I am taking a lunch break every day. I did this, though not a full hour. I sat out in the sun eating my packed lunch and gossiping with some co-workers. That was fun.
3. I will take a ping pong break once a week. I played ping pong in the break room at work on Friday when I'd just about HAD it with my week. First time I did that in the whole 11 months I've worked at Citrix. Crazy how fun it was! I really felt refreshed after. Those ping pong guys really know something!! No ping pong yet this week, but this is only Monday.
4. I will go out on a date sometime before my birthday and enjoy it. OK, this one is going to be tough, not sure what my stategy is yet, but I am committed to having a date while I am still 36. I've got 3 weeks less one day. I am taking all offers of fixing me up on blind dates...someone throw me a line here, so stay tuned...
5. keep breathing. Not sure how to measure this one, I mean clearly I have not gone into pulmonary arrest yet, so check I did it. But what I meant is slow down, breathe more, etc. I think I am getting there, but still need to keep working at it. Playing the song over on the left nav over and over again helps ("all that I know is I am breathing"....that music is so soothing! Click play to see what I mean.)

a real reader

oh yeah, of course after my "ME" post, I forgot to announce the most exciting thing that happened to us this September...Sophia is officially a reader! As she says it "I'm not a guessing reader but a real REAL reader!!"

we're both very proud...she has wanted this so badly, all on her own, no pressure from anyone. she worked and worked at it, and then it just started clicking. oh and she loves to say "and I'm not even four and a half" (which now, as of today, she IS, so it was pretty funny that she got it a few weeks before that date, and was bragging about it!).

time for me?

ugh...it's been one of those days (or months)! I just don't feel I am getting any of my needs met ever. I am constantly at work, either at the office (on average 10 hrs/weekday,) or cleaning the constant dust & laundry my house accumulates. Sophia thinks I never play with her, which I rarely do. And I am 100% broke all the time. While at work, it is just a constant stream of multi-tasking, no let up, and I hardly EVER leave for lunch because I am always feeling behind & relish the chance to catch up. But I never catch up!!

Some days I think I want to give it all up for some mindless job, like digging trenches.

I need a raise. I got the standard "we only give raises at the end of the year" line. But to be working this damn hard and not be able to afford to order take out when I am too pooped to cook dinner is a crock. I am behind in all my bills, getting disconnect notices. It was NEVER this bad when I worked for myself. In my own business, working 50-60 hr weeks meant I was rolling in the dough. I'm friggin' exhausted and trying to squeeze in side work after Sophia goes to sleep to make ends meet. Which means never sleeping...not good! Something's gotta give soon, and I don't know what it will be.

I am just venting like a steam engine here...phew! It's good to get it out, bad to populate my blog with all this negative mojo. I just can't seem to get my head above water right now, and need some serious re-assessment soon. I simply can't go on like this for much longer, it is totally not sustainable. Thinking of getting married to some anybody just for someone to split the cost of living with!! Or even worse...taking my parents up on their usual and constant offers for us to come and live with them across the country. Anyway, no I am seriously not serious about these ridiculous thoughts. I would never do either of those things! I'm too much a believer in true love and too radically opposed to letting my mom and dad have that much access to Sophia! I am just needing something to change and so utterly uncertain of how to manifest that change.

Feel free to send ideas...no comment will be considered outrageous, all advice welcome!

retrograde

"You are where you are in your life because of what you believe is possible for you."

Quote from Jacob Glass' email signature. Not sure if it's him, from the Course or someone else. Attributed or not, this is the quote which struck a chord in me this fine morning. Do I not have the kind of partner I wish for because I do not believe it is possible? Can that be true?

Certainly it can be, but is it? I used to do a lot of visioning for the perfect partner, but who I am has so substantially changed since then (read becoming a mother!) that maybe I just have never taken the time to reset the manifestation, and the universe "knows" that that kind of person would just never do as a parent figure in Sophia's life. So maybe it's time to start re-visioning.

As soon as I typed "re-visioning" I had a hit to find out when the next Mercury retrograde would be. That's always a good time for doing things that start with "re-". So I googled and found this site - amazingly on target for exactly what I just typed. If you have an interest in this, click on the upcoming one in October to see more...sounds like I know what I'll be doing next month!!

who would've thought? a poem for my mother

giver of life, mother.
you are such a mystery to me.
little do I understand about you.
your inner workings
confound me.
your sense of spirit
eludes me.
your passions & priorities
completely pass me by.

but here, now,
in this moment of motherhood,
somewhere in the distance,
I hear you,
and I know you understand.

giver of life, I
now give back.

written sometime in the summer of 2002,
belly full of baby, head full of reflection

i have not slept

you crawl through space and time
to reach me
moving slow enough for
fate to catch you.

invisible to swords and samurai
untouchable by wands and wizards
stopping the movement of planets
long enough to grasp my hand.

did i dream it all one glorious night?
through midnight blues and scarlet reds,
through jade and tourmaline,
through bone and skin,
bringing together air and water
in a brilliant cascade of color,
exploding in the night.

did it wake you too?

i have not slept one night since
the visions keep me dancing
all night through.

7/14/02

time to write

all this time on my hands. not sure what to do with it.

took a few days off work to get this thing removed from my right breast. last remnant of a part of motherhood i may never experience again. it was a lump that evolved from an amount of dried up milk which was never expressed when Sophia stopped nursing very abruptly. it gave me quite a scare while we were up in portland, part of what drove me back to the sunny shores of santa barbara and to the arms of people i love. well it never really went away, and finally i was told i needed to have it removed.

so i'm on a borrowed laptop from work and finding that Sophia will actually fall asleep to the dim light of the screen if i am lying in bed next to her. so now, after weeks of crazy hectic full days at work, i can actually find time to blog at night. and listen to new ani difranco music. and find some alone time (well mostly alone, if i can ignore the incessant snoring from a certain small person in bed next to me!).

spent similar alone time this morning while she snored, in the time between dawn and when my sleepyhead wakes up. a morning of reverie, rather than rushing to pack a lunchbox, getting ready for work. i spent it re-reading old journal entries from around the time sophia was conceived. i'll post some of my writing next. i think i'm ready to actually share some of my own writings. but before i do that, wanted to share what happened when sophia woke up. in this journal, there is a folder pocket, which contains scraps of things from that time: post-it notes with Ricco's cell phone numbers in Europe, business card from my midwife, a train ticket, receipt for my EPT tests. and among all that, are the ultrasound photos. the only photos of sophia's lost twin. i was staring into these distorted images, finding a face for the first time staring at me thru the technology. it was a strange moment, i think i'd always just tucked those photos away, trying to tuck away the loss at the same time. when i found out i was carrying twins, i was a 32 year old single woman, overwhelmed already by early pregnancy, trying to continue to run a business thru the haze of morning sickness and hormones, as well as coping with the fact of loving someone who was, in one way, all i had ever dreamed of, but on the other hand, was likely to never show up for me or our child in the ways we really wanted him to.

add to that whirling swirling head space not one, but two babies. and one of them with something severely wrong with it physically, only one fifth the size of the other. well it just felt like good news to find out a few weeks later that the smaller baby did not have a heartbeat, would not survive. at that time, i felt some loss, but mostly relief. and not until now, nearly 5 years later, do i pull those ultrasound pix out again and really feel that there was another life in me which never made it out to see the light of day.

oh my baby, my small small child. you join so many other of your brothers and sisters who passed into me, but not through me. i told sophia, your big sister about you today. showed her your photographs. she wants to know why we never saw you. she thinks maybe she saw you inside once. thank you for accompanying sophia on part of her journey to this world. we're sorry we never met you, sorry we couldn't hold you and help make your passing easier. we hope you are safe and warm and loved somewhere. i am sorry as your mother that i did not see your face any sooner than this. i was so sad about losing you, i think, that i just couldn't open my eyes or my heart to you before now. we love you little one.

she goes underwater!

After 2 days in a row at the pool, Sophia finally went underwater! She's so proud of herself, and it was really fun to watch her go from being so afraid to get her ears wet to dunking herself totally under, over and over and over again. We had to practically pull her out of the water.

It all started while playing "Shamu" with her dad. He would do tricks and she'd pretend to go underwater to get fish to reward him with. But she wasn't putting her face in, just holding her nose and pretending. Then about 20 mins later, something clicked and she just went all the way down. She kept doing it and doing it, and yelling to the lifeguards, "Eric did you see me, I went underwater! I just learned!" Then she'd go under while holding her nose shut, then let go of her nose, lift her knees to her chest and start paddling with her hands and feet to resurface. This was all in water that was just at chin level for her, so she could stand at any time, but that made her confident enough to take the "plunge", pun intended!

We're scheduled to go again this coming weekend, so stay tuned for progress reports! There's no doubt, folks, this girl is growing up for sure!

carey's last day

Tomorrow is Carey's last day at work for a while. When she comes back, she'll be a mama. So this is a tribute post to her, both for all she's done for me to help me grow professionally in my new career, and to the journey she is about to begin. It's a river that you only cross once, and you can never ever cross back again. You will now and forever always be a mom. As I heard Oprah once say, "becoming a parent is learning how to walk around forever with your heart on the outside of you."

Carey's blog is here: http://careycaulfield.blogspot.com/

At work, Carey is known as the UI Goddess. She's taught me many things about making decisions, putting a stake in the ground, keeping it simple and how to wrangle engineers, managers, marketing people, and fellow designers. She introduced me to being a gutsy girl. Mentor, role model, all around great person to have your back in a new and sometimes precarious new position. Hats off!!

Outside of work, she is very crafty and starting up a side hobby doing digital scrapbooking. It's a cool techie spin on the massively popular multi-billion dollar industry. I know she's going to have an awesome site on this one day. Keep this blog bookmarked for the future!

So, it may be sayonara for now, Carey, but your influence and wisdom will live on, rock on, and carry on until you come back to work. Now go on and get ready for the ride of your life, which is about to begin!! :)

Quilting project with a preschooler

Sophia and I made a quilt for my friend who's having a baby soon. It was fun, a great project to do together with a 4 year old, because she loved putting the squares together, totally "got" the concept of making patterns with the fabric colors. It was right at her artistic and geometric comprehension level! I highly recommend quilting to home schoolers, as it involves so many skills and learning opportunities. I think it came out pretty great!

your boss's boss

I've recently come across a revolutionary book "Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead, but Gutsy Girls Do" by Kate White. I call it revolutionary because it is revolutionizing how I see myself in the workplace.

Click here for a quick synopsis of the finer points of the book

Really good stuff, including tips such as:

- Does your boss's boss know who you are?
- Dress as if you were in the job you aspire to
- Close your door for the same hour every day for "big goal" time

A friend recently gave me the book, which offers so much more than just the cheat sheet above. But even reading that short list helped me to get a new computer last week even though my boss said there were "budget cuts" affecting our department. And it's going to help me get a raise next week. Stay tuned for a post after I ask for THAT!

My colleague passed the book on to me in a veil of secrecy, asking me to not let her secrets out of the bag here at work. But since it's the best thing I've done for myself as a working woman and the sole income provider for my family, I couldn't help but empower the other working mamas reading this blog with it as well. Why not help you gals rise to the top in your corporate worlds along with me? (But shhhh....no one mention this to my boss....!)

This book caused a light to go off in my head, regarding the "good girl" concept, under which I was raised, as likely most of us were. This book is not only helping me rise in my career, but the bigger impact is that I am becoming a role model for MY daughter about how to be a gusty girl. I think it's one of the greatest gifts I can give my daughter is to learn how to be this way in the world. Cut to the chase, rise to the top, be anything she wants to be. In school, career, relationships, and more. I'm lovin' it!

Focus for my blog

I've decided I want to focus on something with this blog. The first rule of writing, I've heard, is to write what you know. I also know that in my life, when I've needed support, the best way to get it is to create it. So here are the areas I am considering focusing this blog on, which are both things I know about and areas I'd like more support in:

1. food allergies/sensitivities in children
2. being a working mom
3. being a single mom
4. how to make money off your blog or website

OK that last one I am not an expert at, but I want to be, so putting it in my list to start manifesting it that way!

This list also comes from what I want to "get" out of the internet, first and foremost. I spend my days hopping around the internet in a random, non-focused way and I have only so many hours in a day, so these are the areas I feel I can learn the most from and which the internet is a great tool for.

However, if I can both make money by creating a blog on one topic, and if I can also actually help other people with my knowledge acquired thus far as a mom, that would be incredible. So the first two bullets are my top choices. I know a lot about food allergies, but not sure it thrills me to write about them. And in my new career path, I am starting to realize that women in the workplace still have a long way to go, and that there is little support out there for working women, and even less for working moms. So I'm going to start a few posts on these two topics and let my "readers" decide which they'd rather hear more from me on. I hope I have a few readers left out there!

"I want to change the world" - Sophia

If you haven't listened to the song I have in the little music player on the sidebar of my blog, click it when you have a chance. The reason it's there is because when I was listening to it, Sophia said to me:

"Is that song about me? Because I want to change the world. I want to change the world because I don't think anything is belonging right. Because I don't want there to be any war and no guns sticking to people's pants. Isn't that so weird?"

Straight quote. I typed it as she said it. That's enough reason for a mama to put a song on her blog, isn't it?!

A few weeks ago, we were at a fundraiser where kids could make a wish from a "Wish Fairy" if mom or dad made a cash donation. Her friends asked for a pony, a Barbie car, a little brother. Sophia wished that there could be no more war, only peace.

Some days, I think I haven't a clue what I am doing as a parent. Other days, like these, I know I am doing just fine...

lifting heavy rocks

This weekend, we found time for a day at the beach: jumping in the waves, making killer sand castles and braiding seaweed bracelets. What a gift of reconnection to the things that matter most to me: my daughter, this beautiful earth, moving my body, and creating things with my hands.

So in that same spirit, in case you didn't notice already, I spruced things up around here a bit! A facelift for my blog as I have been inspired lately by some really great blogs, and also feeling a little less than creative in my work, so I want to get back to this outlet, among others.

Also (cringe) I am starting to add some advertising. Lemme know if it bugs you. I am finding moms out there who make a living for their families simply by the advertising on their blogs. And they are doing hella creative cool stuff, blogging about it, and having a blast. With children in tow. So here's my stab at it. I know nothing about building a readership, but my pal Laureen does, so maybe I can pick her brain!!

So stay tuned to cool new things here, and also check out some of these cool blogs on my links at the left (not the right anymore, phew, such change)!!

Having a sister

In case you missed it in the last post, Sophia has now met her half sister Bianca. Bianca is 7, lives in Denmark. She and Sophia share 2 of the most distinctive things about themselves: an on-again/off-again traveling Dad and severe eczema resulting from wheat and dairy allergy. Likely the two things they will wish they could change about themselves. Now they have just met someone who shares their exact own pain.

They've not met in the past for two reasons, what with that giant Atlantic separating them and then because the mother was very upset when Riccardo had another child with another woman, and she was reticent to even tell Bianca about Sophia, let alone meet us. But each girl, both an only child of a single mother, have longed so desperately for a sibling and for simply "more" family. We convinced Maria (Bianca's mom) to let the girls meet when they came to the US for a visit this month. We had one weekend together last week, and are about to have another tomorrow. Then they will return to Denmark and we will miss them too, along with Riccardo, who will go back to Europe for another 8-9 months.

We all got along very well. At first there was the obstacle that neither girl expected, which was the language barrier. Bianca has learned a scant few words in English thus far, and we tried to learn a little Danish in a 30 minute crash course, but of course none of it stuck when we met them. Both girls had expectations of a sister, which did not include not being able to talk to each other, so they were a little unsettled by that. But Bianca started picking up English like a wildfire, which was great.

After that, it was just intense. Very, very big emotions. It was either a super fun and exciting big sisterly love-fest, or then just one small thing, a stubbed toe, or finding out the sherbert at the ice cream store on the wharf had dairy in it, and each girl would take turns bursting into tears and absolute meltdown. Feelings were raw and at the surface. For both, this is just what they have always wanted, to spend fun, quality time with both of their parents together, as well as with a sister. But it was a true testament to the tricky nature of getting exactly what you've always wished for. It was so overwhelming for Sophia, combined with too much sugar and no napping all weekend. She was maxed out. I've been brain dead all week, vegging in front of the TV every night after work.

And we're about to do it again this weekend too. Whoosh. I am not sure I am ready for it, but we'll manage. And then they will all go away and we will miss Daddy for a while, probably have potty accidents for a few weeks (just Sophia, I hope, but who knows about me!!), and then we will get back to our nice quiet life, just a mama and her girl. Like we always are.

Interesting final note, I asked Sophia this week if she wished she had a daddy that was always here with us. She first said yes, and said "because then mommy you wouldn't have to do everything and you wouldn't have to pay for everything." Not sure where and how she picked up on the money thing...so other than me being sad that finances have invaded her little brain on some level, I was so touched that she understood or empathized a little how it is for me. But then, to add to the moment, she said "but usually I like it when it's just you and me." You could have knocked me over with a feather! I've never considered that maybe she is happy with it this way. I am always angst and guilt ridden worrying about this weird life I've set up for her, worrying about needing to fill the daddy gap, etc. But maybe, just maybe, sometimes she doesn't feel a gap at all.

Ahhh....

flickr site

I started posting photos to flickr.com and so far only using the free service. I like it because it's easy to upload photos in batches. It's supposed to be compatible with my blog site, but until I figure that out, here are some recent photos of us:

Check it out if you want!

Photo above is Sophia with her half sister Bianca, age 7, who lives in Denmark. The two girls met for the first time this weekend (July 21-22, 2007) and will have one more weekend together next week. Pretty intense but fun time was had by all!

~

One sunny day...

Dragon Riders

As most who know me know, I've been involved in an arts workshop/parade every year for about 14 years around the time of the Summer Solstice. It's a rejuvenating, exhilarating experience for me to create art bigger than myself, using just my hands...a land where there is no copy, paste or undo.

Sophia of course has been in the parade all her life. I met her dad there and the creative energy coursing thru us at this same season brought a life into being, 4 years ago.

So this year, Sophia designed her own float. Inspired by the Eragon stories, she wants to be a dragon rider. So mama is making not one but 4 dragon sculptures for Sophia and her friends to ride on. Sophia is our only "boy" character, all her other friends are going to be princesses. But that's my girl!! (little white kid in the photo above, short hair - "like Eragon")

Below is a story I wrote on it for the local paper. More photos here.

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When asked what she wanted to make for Solstice this year, 4 year old Sophia Smith-Morrison told sculptor mom Laura Smith that she wanted to ride on the back of a dragon. Sophia proceeded to demonstrate with her hands how she wanted the dragon's mouth to open & close, and for cardboard fire to come out of its mouth. After being a passive participant in the parade for her first 3 years, Sophia designed her first float at the ripe old age of 4!

At 3 months of age, Sophia rode along with mom, wrapped up in a sling carrier, which Laura made from the same fabric as her own costume, and they danced up State Street together. At age 1, 2 & 3, Sophia napped thru the parade, in a stroller decorated as a Pegasus, a flower, and a clownfish respectively. This year, she will ride atop a dragon of her own design, along with many of her friends. Sophia prefers the "Eragon" style costume, while many of her friends have chosen princess or knight attire. The float will be comprised of 3-4 large dragon sculptures which will seat 2 children each. Other costumes include carry along dragons (hobby horse style) which will be ridden by older children on skates, roller blades and scooters, as well as dragon costumes for parents who will carry their infant "riders" on their backs.

While Laura and Sophia are Solstice "old-timers" (mom has been both on the staff and the Board of Directors of Solstice in the past), they have created the ensemble this year side-by-side with another family who is brand new to the Solstice experience. The Erringers, mom Anu, dad Alan, daughter Katja (age 5) and son Nicolas (age 2), have been instrumental to the creation of the 3 large dragon floats, as well as a dozen or more dragon masks and costumes. Alan has been in the parade once before, and offers his broad technical, engineering & construction skills to the float. The rest of the Erringer family are new to Solstice, and are having a transformative experience as their 2 year old son learns to use hand tools, and their 5 year old daughter opens up to the creative experience. Anu is enjoying overseeing the painting, papier-maching and production/decorating of dragon masks.

"Our children love having a "job" that they are responsible for. It's been a wonderful experience to watch our 5 year old daughter grow up a little by taking on the responsibility for carrying Dad's tool bag into Solstice each day, or being in charge of certain projects, like painting or papier maché," says Alan Erringer.

An interesting contribution this group of parents has made to the Solstice parade is the concoction of a non-toxic papier maché paste. The wallpaper paste typically used for large maché projects contains toxic chemical preservatives. The moms decided to research alternatives and tested several paste recipes, settling on a very simple, inexpensive mixture of cornstarch, salt and water. Traditionally, papier maché paste was made from just flour and water; preservatives have been added to prolong shelf life. This team took it one step further, since one of the children has a gluten allergy, they found a way to make an equally durable paste not only non-toxic, but also wheat free!

This ensemble offers many opportunities for those interested in getting involved with Solstice. We have had volunteers of all ages helping with this float, from toddler to teen to grandparents. If you've always wanted to come down and get creative at Solstice, come to the workshop and look for the Dragon Riders. We'll be sure to find something fun for you to work on! And we are starting to recruit adults to help pull the dragons on the day of the parade (the "Dragon Draggers" as we are calling ourselves). Come down, decorate a mask, whip together a costume, and enjoy Solstice dragon style!

so long cindy sheehan

http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2007/5/28/12530/1525

http://theexcellentadventure.com/elementalmom/2007/05/29/thank-you-cindy-sheehan

I just can't believe it.

They've finally driven Cindy Sheehan to give up.

I'm unable to type much more than these links, but I think they speak for themselves. Sometimes I slip into blissful forgetfulness, with this paradise all around me, and then the background music screeches to a halt and something like this reminds me of the utter insanity that has taken hold of the land I live in.

What are we doing?

What am I doing about it?

Sadly, nothing more than crying behind my computer screen for today. Tomorrow, who knows...

do less, make more....do MORE!

this is what i want to do:
http://www.dooce.com/

a SAHM (short for Stay at Home Mom or a Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker), whose family of 3 is supported by the ads on her blog.

she just writes funny stuff and gets people to read it. that's about it.

do less work, make more money. then do so much more of what life is REALLY about.

ahhhhhh....nice vision!!!