1. realized last night that it's more than just not having friends here, but that there is no one here to give or receive love from/to. other than sophia of course. but not having anyone you love around...that's a weird place for me. they used to call me the honorary mayor of santa barbara because i knew nearly everyone in town. so here i am having nowhere to shell out all that love i have inside me, and likewise no one lighting up when they see me or sophia either. i mean i've got newish friends/acquaintances, but not people who love us deeply.
2. when i moved here, to ostensibly set up an intentionally communal living situation with the mullen family, right away we knew it wasn't working out, or it was going to take a lot more work than we'd envisioned to make the situation work for everyone. we had an awkward first week or so, then finally had a big talk about what wasn't working, which I thought was going to be the conversation that ended the living situation, but then, oddly enough, once we cleared the air and talked about it, everything felt a lot better and i actually considered for a while staying there (I ended up moving out a few weeks later for those who don't know the full story).
i'm sharing this because this same weird phenomenon is happening again. last night i made my decision, i had my epiphany moment and decided i was officially moving back. i couldn't sleep, at 3 am Sophia woke and for some reason was chatty so we talked about santa barbara and her friends, her old preschool, the cottage she was born in, the beach, and she really remembers it all so clearly and wants to go back. no prompting from me. then i toss and turn for a while, and 4:30 am get up to the computer to write or look for housing on craigslist in SB. my friend lauren in norway was online and we had a really long chat about my decision, it helped me gain so much clarity about moving, and there it was all out in the open and decided upon. right?
well today, it's like the mere conversation was the clearing i needed. somehow today, portland looks beautiful to me and i spent the day in 2 different neighborhoods with sophia, at a cafe, at a park, in an art supply store, taking a walk & playing in the fall leaves, just driving around a bit lost but still enjoying the beauty of the town and its distinct districts. i started thinking about how my sister wants to come out here and how maybe i should stay to give this place to her, to be her gateway drug into this new west coast reality. i started thinking my only problem is that i'm in one damn ugly neighborhood with no real cool factor nearby. if i just moved to one of these cute neighborhoods, how fun it would be for Sophia to have seasons, and how much more house for the buck we'd get here, more of a house than a studio or room in SB for the same rent. aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! pulling hair out.....
3. what happened to my decisiveness? last night i was making moving truck plots...tonight i am just grateful to be a bit more at peace, happy with either city for now, and just waiting for the universe to unfold its will to me. maybe Patrick or Michael will email me and let me know that the cottage is available soon, and I'll go to SB. maybe Ursula will decide if she is coming here or not. maybe a really great rental in one of the really great neighborhoods will come my way, or i will find a homeschool collective or a office or job share here...or there. maybe i will fall in love. maybe i will even just have one date where i have some kind of chemistry in my veins that serves to warm me thru this winter, instead of the sunny shores of CA. or maybe i'll find warmth inside and outside, either via global warming AND falling in love in Portland or moving AND falling in love in SB. who really knows. but the hooray theme of today is that right now, i am feeling peaceful and happy to just wait. ride it out. see what fate has in store instead of kicking fate in the shins like i usually do, trying to jumpstart and get in the way of whatever is supposed to happen to me.
it's not my style to be so laid back about my life. i usually take it by the horns, command the ship, want to KNOW what the cards hold, yet forget all about the sheer magic in just the reading of them. interesting sensation, and perhaps what this journey has been all about from the beginning. the changing of the guard...releasing MY control and giving in to "love's confusing joy".
( "I never learned to distinguish between illusion and miracle. I didn't need to. I trusted in love's confusing joy." ~ James Broughton )
One response I got recently asked if moving again might be traumatic for Sophia. I wanted to think about this a bit. Now, I am taking this advice with a grain of salt, because this is a friend without kids, who does not know Sophia well at all, nor me really anymore (we used to be close before I became a mom). But I do wonder about it, and it is always hard to think of how my actions could negatively impact my child. So I'd love to hear if anyone else has thoughts on this.
for instance, one of the cons for staying in SB was that I had friends who know me deeply, yet most of them do not have children. i thought i needed to change this, needed a different support system. so in Portland, 99% of my friends have children. but here, i have realized that in those truly stressful, bad mommy moments, when I run out of rope and need someone to be with Sophia while I walk out and scream, those child-less friends of mine were able to be there for me in a heartbeat. parents can't just leave home spontaneously, there's dinner to make or kids to put to bed. i think what i was really wanting was some mama/papa wisdom. but as i've learned since i got here, mama advice is only an email or call away. from the wise ones I've met here to my friends around the world, email has been my main connection to fellow moms all along. so why not go back to where the friends are, and keep the email mamas with me as well? (~photo is of Steven, my childless beloved friend a few hours after he'd helped bring Sophia into the world. i wanted to show the sunlight streaming thru the rosy windows of the cottage)
one more example: shortly after sophia turned 1, we moved to downtown SB. we lived on a very busy street corner. i used to say i wanted to live somewhere safe enough that Sophia could run outdoors and let the screen door bang behind her, that i wanted to be surrounded by easy access to nature and wild-ness. after hearing that there is a chance of the las canoas cottage being for rent again, and after my epiphany moment this week, i realized that the cottage has just the swinging screen door i was imagining all along. well, on the "move from santa barbara list" i was envisioning an old farm house in a field somewhere, that i owned. but i just realized that the cottage screen door opens onto a lawn toward the barn in one direction, and out onto the secret path to the citrus trees and the main house in the other direction. i realized i could teach her now how to navigate the driveway to even go up to the hay bale house to visit Pat & Nancy or play in the garden. and there is not much wilder or more nature-y a spot in SB than one's own private access to Rattlesnake trailhead & creek via a big grassy field full of huge rocks to climb and gopher holes to jump over. (~photo of aforementioned Pema with aforementioned 1 day old babe, near aforementioned open door)
the bear went over the mountain...one of Sophia's favorite songs...well here's a photo of my mountain, the view from 1810 Las Canoas Rd in Santa Barbara, where Sophia was born. i've got mount hood on here, so i might as well get the "mountain from whence cometh my strength" in here too (ok that's from the bible, more recently from "The Sound of Music" final scene). these hills in santa barbara have such power over me, even still. more so when i used to see them, smell them every day. there's something visceral in my emotional & physical body that is connected to these mountains. my friend Carol has given me past life connections, for which she has done soul retrievals on me, to release me from the hold this land has on me, but maybe i can never truly be rid of santa barbara in my veins.
Las Canoas Road...i have been dreaming of my home there for a few days, weeks...the sun-filled cottage where i spent my pregancy and early motherhood, the big rock on the hill overlooking Skofield Park, Rattlesnake Canyon, and the entire city below fading into the place where the sea touches the sky. home of kamaze hummingirds and red-tail hawks, Matilija poppies, sage, rosemary, lavender, ironwood, oak. home of bobcats and coyotes who ate all the chickens and some of the cats. coyotes whose song matched mine during childbirth and echoed together thru those canyon walls. where meyer lemons, mexican limes, oranges and mandarins drip from the trees year-round. the location of births and deaths and lives of so many people i have loved. the barn with the big word PEACE on the side, in whose upper loft, countless traveling artists and wayward wanderers have found a night's rest. where i can go to sleep in the springtime with the sound of this creek rushing nearby and wake on summer mornings to the smell of the ocean, see the light glinting off its ripples as I sip my morning java.
