babysitters and alone time

hmmm....i am by no means good at either of those things. i really WANT to be, and i am starting to see how much i really NEED to be, but it's not been my strong point, as a single mom. but i am just starting to get how much the breaks away from being a mom so greatly improve the resiliency and patience that it takes to BE a mom. even if it is to go to a preschool parents meeting to talk about her all night...it is still a break! and i know i need to create more time where i do something just for me, that has nothing to do with motherhood at all. i think this is crucial to my sanity and sustaining the level of mothering that I do now. Sophia, if you are reading this someday, please do know that it's only been a handful of times that i've even been away from you for a few hours. but i truly do want you to see me taking care of myself, which ultimately takes care of US better. i don't think a martyr truly serves anyone but themselves, and in the long run the martyrdom is a disservice to everyone, even the martyr. i grew up with that kind of mom and know you deserve a different role model from me. i also know i deserve it too.

so now, the hard part...manifesting the kind of support system in my life that will allow me to take these breaks. i need to increase my flow of friends and babysitters that i can fully trust will take as good care of Sophia as I would. each in their own way, both similar and unique to my way, to give stability & consistency in the way things are done, yet giving her some variety in the types of adult personalities in her life. i have to find those people here, because i left behind people like that in santa barbara. not sure what the logic in that was, but i had reasons at the time! i just have to either remember those reasons and re-connect with them, or decide to move back to where that source of support lies.

ahhh...no small task, but that's the task at hand!