the other side of the mountain

the bear went over the mountain...one of Sophia's favorite songs...well here's a photo of my mountain, the view from 1810 Las Canoas Rd in Santa Barbara, where Sophia was born. i've got mount hood on here, so i might as well get the "mountain from whence cometh my strength" in here too (ok that's from the bible, more recently from "The Sound of Music" final scene). these hills in santa barbara have such power over me, even still. more so when i used to see them, smell them every day. there's something visceral in my emotional & physical body that is connected to these mountains. my friend Carol has given me past life connections, for which she has done soul retrievals on me, to release me from the hold this land has on me, but maybe i can never truly be rid of santa barbara in my veins.

today, during a long day out in the cold sunshine, i felt a bit more drawn to Portland for all of it's big city attractions that we haven't even begun to fully explore. we went to the zoo today, near the children's museum and other cool kid places. we drove past the famous rose garden and Japanese garden, with dense and immensely tall forest all around us. it IS beautiful here, no doubt about it. and as a city, it offers a lot of really cool stuff for kids, parents, anyone. and tonight as i shiver under a sweater near the heating vent, warming my cold extremities and muscles tired from a day of play in the brisk air, i remember in my body what winter feels like. memories that must be from my childhood. it's a nostalgic feeling, kind of nice, a little haunting since there is so little i remember from my childhood. but all in all, winter is just not a feeling i am used to, nor do i really think i enjoy. to be perfectly honest, the idea of seasons is lovely in my head and i used to think it odd to not have them in SB, but here in the full fledged fall to winter transition, it's just not my cup of tea. i need sun on my body and drier air. maybe its my ayurvedic disposition, maybe it's my inner reptile, i dunno, but i do know that i feel more at home sunning naked on a rock than slipping on damp, muddy, fallen leaves while dashing to my car in the pouring rain.

Las Canoas Road...i have been dreaming of my home there for a few days, weeks...the sun-filled cottage where i spent my pregancy and early motherhood, the big rock on the hill overlooking Skofield Park, Rattlesnake Canyon, and the entire city below fading into the place where the sea touches the sky. home of kamaze hummingirds and red-tail hawks, Matilija poppies, sage, rosemary, lavender, ironwood, oak. home of bobcats and coyotes who ate all the chickens and some of the cats. coyotes whose song matched mine during childbirth and echoed together thru those canyon walls. where meyer lemons, mexican limes, oranges and mandarins drip from the trees year-round. the location of births and deaths and lives of so many people i have loved. the barn with the big word PEACE on the side, in whose upper loft, countless traveling artists and wayward wanderers have found a night's rest. where i can go to sleep in the springtime with the sound of this creek rushing nearby and wake on summer mornings to the smell of the ocean, see the light glinting off its ripples as I sip my morning java.

so yes, my longings are more in santa barbara. my be-longings are in portland. where does this leave me? well...still fine with letting the cards fall as they may, but knowing that my strongest desire is to be back home. that's what it's at for tonight.