Help!

Not sure I even have readers out there anymore, but I am stuck. Sophia started kindergarten last month, and comes home in tears almost every day. Usually because of older kids teasing her, mainly because she doesn't know how to fit in to this huge school full of so many kids from so many backgrounds and who really don't want to play with a kindergartner. She's in a K-1 class at one of our local alternative charter schools, but it's still so hard. There are rough, mean kids in her class. They tease relentlessly. They steal stuff from her backpack. She should stay away, but she is drawn like a moth to the flame, wanting to play with these older kids. But they want no part of a little kid hanging out with them.

She also attends the afterschool program, since as a single mom, I need to be working to support us. So it's a long day for her. At 3pm, the older kids (up to 3rd grade) join the afterschool program and then there are even more big kids for her to be drawn to. Wash, rinse, repeat.

But I am ready to challenge my status quo. Do I really need to work fulltime? Do I have it in me to do what it takes? And what, precisely, does it take? I know so many of my friends have done it, but how? I have no idea where to begin and I am soooo not used to not knowing that. I have a good paying 9-5 job, really good for this area. And this is one of the most expensive places in the US to live, so it's not like I can just start knitting from home for income. I don't know what to do.

If anyone has ideas for me on how to transition into homeschooling, please send along. I really appreciate it!

one hell of a good time

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. - E. B. White

Great quote, just found on a homeschooling mom's blog. I am on vacation for a few days, in San Diego visiting my Japanese grandma & her husband who are on their way to catch a cruise to Mexico. I live 3 hours away, so we drove down and are doing Sea World and the Wild Animal Park.

So far, I've been having trouble reminding myself to have a good time. Even on vacation, it seems I am still grumpy & tired with Sophia. I think it would really take an actual 2 week vacation for me to mellow out and feel like I was having a hell of a good time. I need to do that, take 2 weeks and just be with my girl. Let the stress melt itself away like butter sitting out on the counter all day. We've got the upcoming holidays and somehow I've let myself get talked into going back East and staying with my parents for that time. A whole other stressful situation in itself. Not work, rather dealing with them! I would much rather lie on the banks of some beach somewhere and do nothing but collect rocks all day and let Sophia spend as much time as she wants getting as dirty as she wants. And then let it all wash away. And do it all over again the next day. Until I just don't get so angry anymore over the littlest things.

Anyway...in thinking ahead to tomorrow, my intention is to plan the day for both of the above, changing my own little world and having one hell of a good time. We are going to have fun. I am going to relax. I will not yell at Sophia. I will just enjoy the little things. Feed the dolphins, let her choose our pace, chase her around if she asks me to, instead of saying "Mommy's too tired," like I have been saying for at least a year. Just 24 little hours. I am making a pledge to myself to keep this all in check and to just have a good time. I think just this conscious shift is going to make a world of difference for both me and for Sophia.

I was moved tonight by a quote from a blog I stumbled upon:

"...if I put off swimming with my kids until my stomach is flat again, I’ll never be able to teach them how to jump waves. And I know that, in the end, my hesitation is going to be remembered a lot more clearly than how I look in my bathing suit." - Missy, from Life Without School (LWOS)

So so true. What do I want her to learn from me, that hesitation to run, jump, dance, be silly, and enjoy life? Where did that hesitation come from anyway? How did I let this full time working thing run me down so completely? I know I'm just tired and I know it won't always be this way (I hope), but I don't want this to be what she knows of me, what she remembers and carries with her about what it means to be a mommy. I can turn this around. We both deserve it.

how long since I've blogged?

holy smokes, did I really not post for 3 weeks? entirely possible! i am another year older since i last blogged. had my birthday. had a few lunch dates before. not sure if it entirely counts as meeting that goal, because while all were enjoyable, none have produced a 2nd date thus far (though one may soon materialize, but we are both very busy people and keep getting jinxed by disappearing emails and other high tech dating quandries). isn't quandries a word? not in the blogger spell check dictionary...hmmm....

the leaving early thing has started to get better. as well as the taking lunch and breaks at work thing. i'm not back to a reasonable work schedule yet, but i can see it getting slightly better.

BUTTTTTTTT...something really good happened at work. well, 2 things. 2 weeks ago, i asked for a raise. well i pretty much gave an ultimatum for a raise. and it was not an idle threat, believe me. i was all prepared to abandon ship should i get anything less than a nodding boss ready to completely embrace my request for a 22.5% salary increase. and guess what? SHE DID! she went to the mat for me...processed my raise in 4 business days, which normally takes 3-4 weeks. she gave me the entire amount i asked for, didn't negotiate me down, didn't blink an eye. (i probably should have asked for more!!). but hell, as more than one friend has told me, the amount i asked for is a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of replacing me. thanks to all who supported me in asking for what i deserve, you know who you are!

that was wednesday, the day she told me about my raise, which i'd only asked for the previous thursday.

then on friday, we had our quartely all-hands meeting. the whole company is there, from all over the world, either live or on the phone. they give status on the company's fiscal performance, highlights of what good things happened last quarter, what's on the horizon for next quarter, yadda yadda. then they give out awards. Ten "Values" awards and one "Bellringer" award. It's a peer nomination process, anyone can nominate anyone. I have twice nominated someone, but the competition is tough and my nominees haven't made it. This Friday, they called out the winners, and I'm on the list! 11 of us go up there, and they recognize 10 other people before I realize I'm the last winner standing. Brett, the CEO, looks at me and goes "well there's only one award left..." and he starts ringing this bell. The bell is symbolic of this big bell we have (many software companies do) which is rung when a product is released. Everyone who made the release happen get recognized, there's pastries and product schwag and it's a big party.

so the CEO says "this award is for the person who made the biggest contribution to the company in this past quarter, biggest impact to the bottom line, etc. etc...." and then my whole team comes up and presents this award to me. my co-worker Kris says way too kind words, like "all the awards our products get (from PC Magazine, CNET, etc) can all be traced to the work Laura does" (even though that is NOT true, we have a killer team which is far more than just me), and "Laura had some pretty big shoes to fill when Carey went on leave, and shortly after, when we found that changes needed to be made after we went into Beta, Laura single handedly re-designed a complex feature in 2 weeks, which had taken a very senior designer 6 months to design in the first place." (OK Carey if you are reading this, he was so obviously EXAGGERATING!!).

then the CEO said that I got more nominations for an award this quarter than anyone in the history of the company!!! every single person on my team nominated me without realizing the others had done so, and then some other people around the company did too.

and THEN on top of all that, my boss, kristen comes up and says we'd also like to give a new award, the "Awesome Techie Kid Award" to Sophia, "in recognition of your many late nights in the office helping Mommy get her work done. We thank you!" and she'd made this cute little award thing, pasted to a gift bag, which contained a sparkly princess crown and a stuffed kangaroo toy. the amazing thing about this is that it was the very toy that Sophia had been saving up her money to buy for at least 6 weeks! it was utter coincidence, my boss had seen it at the fancy toy shop in town, and because it's a kangaroo, wearing an apron, with the baby in the front pocket, it reminded her of a mama taking her baby with her to work. she had no idea that Sophia has been wanting this forever! so it was truly a magical day, and Sophia really deserved it, as she has been such a trooper, putting up with me putting in so many late nights and weekends lately. it was such a high for me too, the rest of that day, all these people, some i don't even know, coming up and congratulating me. i'd forgotten that the whole company was watching me get this award!! it was very cool.

so...now i feel fairly compensated, valued, etc. my sleep deprivation still exists, but it's getting better. my team at work is going wine tasting as a group bonding activity tomorrow, that should be fun. then my birthday parties are the next day (kid-friendly brunch at the beach in the AM then a grown ups only dinner & dancing party at night). still no date for my party, but i am going to look like a million bucks...bought a sexy outfit and oh yeah, i cut my hair super short & punky and dyed it black with some bright reddish bursts of color here and there. sounds wild, but the color is actually subtle. it's pretty cool, may have been an "oh shit, i'm 37" move, but what the hell, right?! i colored it on my actual birthday, monday.

friends from work threw me a happy hour that night, and the only real person i am interested in having a date with showed up. but since it was a work/group gathering thing, i can't really count that as a date, can i? i did get a hug when i walked in. and he did come because i had the balls to flat out ask him one day in the break room "i'm having a birthday party, would you like to come?" and since he couldn't come to my party this weekend, my friend Jen threw together the happy hour on my actual birthday, really all a veiled effort to get us together outside of work. so does it count if i'm the only one of us who thought of it as a date? as usual, stay tuned...

:)

carey's last day

Tomorrow is Carey's last day at work for a while. When she comes back, she'll be a mama. So this is a tribute post to her, both for all she's done for me to help me grow professionally in my new career, and to the journey she is about to begin. It's a river that you only cross once, and you can never ever cross back again. You will now and forever always be a mom. As I heard Oprah once say, "becoming a parent is learning how to walk around forever with your heart on the outside of you."

Carey's blog is here: http://careycaulfield.blogspot.com/

At work, Carey is known as the UI Goddess. She's taught me many things about making decisions, putting a stake in the ground, keeping it simple and how to wrangle engineers, managers, marketing people, and fellow designers. She introduced me to being a gutsy girl. Mentor, role model, all around great person to have your back in a new and sometimes precarious new position. Hats off!!

Outside of work, she is very crafty and starting up a side hobby doing digital scrapbooking. It's a cool techie spin on the massively popular multi-billion dollar industry. I know she's going to have an awesome site on this one day. Keep this blog bookmarked for the future!

So, it may be sayonara for now, Carey, but your influence and wisdom will live on, rock on, and carry on until you come back to work. Now go on and get ready for the ride of your life, which is about to begin!! :)

your boss's boss

I've recently come across a revolutionary book "Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead, but Gutsy Girls Do" by Kate White. I call it revolutionary because it is revolutionizing how I see myself in the workplace.

Click here for a quick synopsis of the finer points of the book

Really good stuff, including tips such as:

- Does your boss's boss know who you are?
- Dress as if you were in the job you aspire to
- Close your door for the same hour every day for "big goal" time

A friend recently gave me the book, which offers so much more than just the cheat sheet above. But even reading that short list helped me to get a new computer last week even though my boss said there were "budget cuts" affecting our department. And it's going to help me get a raise next week. Stay tuned for a post after I ask for THAT!

My colleague passed the book on to me in a veil of secrecy, asking me to not let her secrets out of the bag here at work. But since it's the best thing I've done for myself as a working woman and the sole income provider for my family, I couldn't help but empower the other working mamas reading this blog with it as well. Why not help you gals rise to the top in your corporate worlds along with me? (But shhhh....no one mention this to my boss....!)

This book caused a light to go off in my head, regarding the "good girl" concept, under which I was raised, as likely most of us were. This book is not only helping me rise in my career, but the bigger impact is that I am becoming a role model for MY daughter about how to be a gusty girl. I think it's one of the greatest gifts I can give my daughter is to learn how to be this way in the world. Cut to the chase, rise to the top, be anything she wants to be. In school, career, relationships, and more. I'm lovin' it!