end of a historic year

Every new year creates a bit of history, now doesn't it? But this one is holds so much, both personally and for the world at large.

Sophia & I did our part in electing the nation's first African American president. I am so proud and awestruck that we did it...hard working volunteers around the nation pitched in and made it happen. My 5.5 year old learned so much about the electoral process and about fairness and what we as a family value in the world, by talking about what Obama represents, why we are so lucky in this country to have a chance to vote, and how far this nation has come in regard to how we treat people with different colors of skin. She watched as I volunteered, she even pitched in herself numerous times. It's her 2nd presidential election to volunteer for, but the last one she rode along asleep on my back for most of it.


Then there's Prop 8 in California and all the other anti-gay ballot initiatives which took us backwards in the civil rights movement, in my opinion. These were stunning blows, I worked tirelessly in phone banks on Prop 8, and it paid off here in Santa Barbara county, the only southern California county to vote No on 8. I'm still working for the cause and will not rest until this issue is moot. I for one am not willing to pass this fight on to my daughter. I pray it's resolved before she even thinks about going on her first date!

This year, personally, I have come to realize that while I have come a long way, I still have a long way I'd like to go on my journey. I want to stop being so critical. I want to feel happier, laugh more, love more, work less, live in my gratitude more. I have gotten a bit weighed down. I want to shed those things that don't lift me up and I want to dance, rejoice, giggle, cuddle and play more. I don't want my daughter to feel disconnected from me. I want to meet her where she's at, even if that means giving up on cleaning the house or volunteering for a cause, and sitting on the floor playing Littlest Pet Shop for an hour!

So if you don't see a blog post for a rather long time, you can imagine I might be having a tea party or dressing these way too teeeny tiny Polly Pocket dolls in their itsy bitsy rubber dresses. I sure hope that's my excuse next time!

fall

it's fall. i was talking to a friend tonight briefly about what we both love about fall, why we love it. right now, fall in santa barbara means a shift in the weather, a cooler crispness to the air, some leaves (not many) on the ground, and today, rain. not heavy rain, but rain.

i know it's fall because i hear the wind. i hear damp leaves being blown around in the cold night air outside my door. in the air, i smell the plants giving over to the change of seasons. leaves falling, rotting, becoming earth. i sense the trees going dormant, the gardens shriveling up, the ground getting fallow and sleepy, ready for winter. i pile another blanket on the bed, close the windows i have had open all summer, and i feel the dread in me of longer nights, less sunlight. i feel myself shrinking inward, wanting to get into the warmth of hearth and home, out of the darkness and cold.

fall is about going inside, turning inward. i love this and need it on a deep level, though at the same time, i grieve the loss of the light and time outdoors, face turned upward, heart turned outward. now is time to reflect, recharge, and hibernate, later to emerge into the glorious sunlight once more.

insert recent picture here

questioning a blog

long time, no bloggy. i know. i say it every time i come back from a lapse. but i think this time, i get why i go away and then come back.

i think this blog no longer matches what i want/need to write about. there is a shift in me, whether planetary or just in terms of my own personal growth path, from what this blog has been about in the past. this blog seemed a dumping ground for me in my path as a mother. a place both to ponder and wax poetic about motherhood, but also, and more often, a place to whine, complain, seek guidance, or just dump all my grief, pain and tiredness that i collected along the mothering path.

so my quandry now is this: do i start a new blog or do i shift this one to match my own shifting? i would feel more energized by a new blog, give it a fresh facelift and start anew. but i started this one as a tribute to my path with Sophia, a legacy to hand her one day that she could read thru and get a glimpse of a time in her life which she may not have clear memories of. so why not show all the twists and turns that path contained? why not keep the good and the bad together, as a real composite picture?

i'm leaning toward that latter option, just riding it out. i might give it a new design to help infuse new energy and reflect how i really feel in my journey right now. it is in its 2nd graphical look since inception anyway. i've changed my hair color at least that many times since i started this blog, so why not the design too!

ok i talked myself into it. new look on the way. but i really have to make sure that i don't let the energy of what i know is lurking in the archives drag me down. because i really want to keep writing here. so if a new blog is what will help me keep coming back, then i might have to keep that option on the back burner. but for now, i re-commit to the original intention of this blog. onward!!

Help!

Not sure I even have readers out there anymore, but I am stuck. Sophia started kindergarten last month, and comes home in tears almost every day. Usually because of older kids teasing her, mainly because she doesn't know how to fit in to this huge school full of so many kids from so many backgrounds and who really don't want to play with a kindergartner. She's in a K-1 class at one of our local alternative charter schools, but it's still so hard. There are rough, mean kids in her class. They tease relentlessly. They steal stuff from her backpack. She should stay away, but she is drawn like a moth to the flame, wanting to play with these older kids. But they want no part of a little kid hanging out with them.

She also attends the afterschool program, since as a single mom, I need to be working to support us. So it's a long day for her. At 3pm, the older kids (up to 3rd grade) join the afterschool program and then there are even more big kids for her to be drawn to. Wash, rinse, repeat.

But I am ready to challenge my status quo. Do I really need to work fulltime? Do I have it in me to do what it takes? And what, precisely, does it take? I know so many of my friends have done it, but how? I have no idea where to begin and I am soooo not used to not knowing that. I have a good paying 9-5 job, really good for this area. And this is one of the most expensive places in the US to live, so it's not like I can just start knitting from home for income. I don't know what to do.

If anyone has ideas for me on how to transition into homeschooling, please send along. I really appreciate it!

Apricot Peach Cobbler

A friend gave me a huge bag of fresh apricots and 3 peaches picked from her backyard today. Way more apricots than we could possibly eat, and quite a few of them were very ripe, so they needed to be made into something. So I consulted 3 different cobbler recipes (2 found on Foodlab, thanks Cyndi and Nittany) and one from a gluten-free cookbook. I then made up my own recipe, to account for my personal tastes and improvisation due to not having all the ingredients.

Two notes for you to factor in with your own personal tastes:
1. Some recipes call for adding sugar or starch to the fruit filling, but I really think fresh fruit needs no additional sweetening, and don't mind the juiciness. However, if you like a thicker, more pie-like filling, you might consider adding sugar and/or starch to the fruit first.
2. I wanted a topping that was sort of nut meal-y/oatmeal-y (without oats) and that was also sort of cake-y/crumble-y. I'm happy to say that my 5 year old actually asked if there was oatmeal in it, so I think I achieved that goal.

I am making up words left and right here, but let's just say it's part of the creative process of making up a recipe. And for the record, this is my first ever recording of a recipe of my own invention, so I am a little nervous about others trying it, but here goes! It's also my first food photography, so some are blurry.

Apricot Peach Cobbler
This recipe is vegan and is gluten, dairy, egg, soy and corn free!

Filling:
- 26 apricots, 3 peaches (freshly picked)
- 1 orange (or a lemon would work too)
- Ground cinnamon

1. Cut apricots in quarters, and slice peaches (cut so all are even-sized chunks).
2. Spray rectangle baking pan with canola or other non-stick spray.
3. Spread fruit evenly across bottom of pan.
4. Sprinkle with cinnamon.
5. Squeeze the juice of lemon or orange over the fruit (I did this to offset the sweetness of the apricots, I wanted it to be a little more tart. If you use more peaches and less apricots, you might not need the citrus juice).
6. Set aside. Preheat oven to 375.


Topping:
- 1/3 cup vegetable shortening (I used palm shortening)
- 1/4 cup organic raw sugar (optional)
- 1/2 cup each of potato starch, flaxseed meal and finely ground walnuts (or preferred nut)
- 1/4 tsp gluten-free baking soda
- 1.5 tsp xantham gum
- 1/2 tsp salt
- 1/2 gluten-free vanilla
- 1/2 to 2/3 cup milk (I used almond milk)
- 1 to 2 tbs honey

1. Mix together all ingredients except milk and honey by hand.
2. Slowly add milk and honey until consistency is thick, sticky, but smooth (like thick biscuit batter).

3. Drop the batter all over the top of the fruit in the pan, either by the spoonful or by hand.

4. Bake 15-18 minutes or until topping is lightly browned. Allow to cool and serve slightly warm, with ice cream (soy dream, rice dream, etc) if desired.

Turned out really tasty! It gets less liquid-y the cooler you let it get. I highly recommend serving with tea in tiny princess teacups and serving at a tea party in your daughter's bedroom. Wearing evening gowns, high heels and tiaras, of course.

yuh-um

I made Cyndi's dairy free pesto tonight, over brown rice spaghetti with sauteed mushrooms and spinach. Amazing, delicious, and really, really easy! Sophia picked basil, arugula and mint from our garden, and she helped chop the mushrooms too, so that made it extra yummy!

don't blink...

In the blink of an eye, children change. Seriously, in a single instant, they grow, they move on to a new stage, and things never go back to the way they were again.

This post is written to all the people who sneered, chided, disapproved or in any other way discouraged me into thinking that I was spoiling my daughter by continuing to co-sleep into her fifth year, that I'd never get her out of my bed. Hooey, is what I say to all of you.

I practiced nursing on demand and then child led weaning. Sophia nursed until she had her needs completely met by it, and at age 2.75, she gave each breast a goodbye kiss and a little snuggle in the bath one night, and told me that there was no more milk for her. She only asked to nurse 2 additional times after that, for only a few minutes each, in the week following. Blink...done.

For the past month, at her own unique and developmental/age appropriate timing, my daughter has been asking to have her own bed back (I bought her one more than a year ago, it got moved to the playroom in the garage since she never sleeps in it). Finally over the 3 day weekend, I took her up on it. We live in a small one bedroom apartment, but I knew the day might come when she'd want her own room, and have been prepared to move myself to the living room. This weekend, it just felt right. I knew she wanted the bed for sleeping in this time. So I moved my bed to the living room (soon to be replaced by a futon or fold out couch for me to sleep on), and moved her loft bed into the bedroom. We transformed our former bedroom into "her" room (my dressers are still in there and we share the large closet).

And the result? My first two nights in a row ever of putting my child to bed at a decent hour and having "mommy time" to myself after she's asleep! Whoot!! I have been seriously mal-advised and mis-informed on what this was going to be like. Everyone talked about what a struggle it would be, how we'd have to ramp up for it, be prepared for several sleepless nights, be ready to sleep in her bed with her then gradually move to sitting in the room until she fell asleep, then finally tiptoeing out. Supernanny has several episodes of all these techniques poor young parents struggle with for weeks with their 18 month olds. Hmm...maybe Jr. just isn't ready yet or being allowed his own perfect timing in the situation? Because when it came to Sophia's time, she climbed in her bed, gave me 3 real kisses and blew me 2 more, and rolled over and went to sleep. We've got a nightlight on, which she has never needed in the past, but for 2 nights in a row, there has been no arguing, no crying, no fuss, just straight into bed and to sleep.

And this is my kid who woke every 20 minutes for the first 2 years of her life. This is the mom who has never been able to get her daughter to sleep without me also sleeping next to her in 5 years. Two days ago, that was my story and then, blink, the next day, it's completely different.

I've heard all your criticism and naysaying. And sure, I have been friggin' tired for the past 5 years. But that's all it's been, 5 short years. I've got 60-70 odd more years of being her mom, so that's a far cry from never getting her out of my bed. I've got plenty of time to recoup my rest and sleep by myself! Yes, reading my book on meditation all by myself last night without someone bouncing on the bed or asking me to look at her latest magic trick over and over again was definitely pleasurable. But would I have wanted to force this on her years ago, just to have that momentary pleasure? No! I was tired, I never got alone time, but did I really in my heart hold those needs above completely meeting my daughter's attachment needs until she no longer needed to be in my bed? Not for one minute! I never felt cheated or burned out from not getting my alone time at night for 5 years. All along, I knew that I had something much more precious going on that would be over in the blink of an eye, and who was I to rush that?

(this all happened on "Independence Day"..and above is Sophia wearing her patriotic PJs which has "lil miss independence" stitched on the shirt!)

Vegan, Gluten-Free Quiche, Omelette, Burgers

Top 3 recipes I found this week for scratching some of the food itches I've been having since going vegan:









Crustless, Vegan Mini-Quiches









Vegan Omelette










Black Bean Burgers

Going vegan

After nearly a year of Sophia requesting to become vegetarian, I finally decided to grant her wish. I was hanging out near the edge for some time, but 3 things kicked me over the edge:

1. Late one night, I couldn't sleep. Turned on TV and was flipping back and forth between the original Planet of the Apes (have you seen that as an adult?) and an episode of 30 Days. 30 Days is a smartly-made reality show that puts someone in an environment quite opposite their own lifestyle for 30 days. In the one I watched, an avid hunter, NRA type guy lives with a vegan, animal-rights activist family. It showed graphic video of cruelty on dairy and poultry farms. The mix of that with Planet of the Apes and it's depiction of man's treatment of animals was a big kick in the pants.
2. I told my vegetarian neighbors about this and they loaned me a copy of Skinny Bitch. Have you read this? If not, let me mail you a copy! On the surface it sounds like a book about eating well to look good, but at the heart and soul, it's about getting smart about what you put in your body, loving yourself enough to do that, and about eating vegan. It has a painfully honest chapter about the cruelty of the meat industry, about inhumane slaughtering. Thinking "oh I try to eat free-range organic meat"? Try this thought on for size: even free-range animals are taken to the slaughterhouse. Even in the most humane slaughterhouse, the animals hear & witness the pain and dying of other animals around them. Sometimes their young have just been ripped away from them. Those animals are filled with fear, rage, panic, grief, stress, adreneline, suffering. If "you are what you eat", think about eating fear, rage and grief with every meal. The book then drives home the crap in found animal products - hormones, antibiotics, pesticides, etc. It also takes a hard look at corruption in agriculture, even in "organic" product lines, the EPA, FDA and more. With 2 basic premises: "read the ingredients" and "trust no one", it was an eye-opener to say the least. Even if you don't give a flip about animal cruelty, the unhealthiness of eating rotting animal carcass and carrying it around in your colon for years was enough to drop me completely over the edge of vegetarian and into the land of vegan! Since we already don't eat dairy, it's not that far to go.
3. Lastly, I went to the chiropractor recently and was weighed. I'm like 6 pounds shy of what I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant! That was definitely a wake up call, so here we are, vegan.

So in keeping with this, I rejoined my former online haunt, Foodlab, a support slash idea/recipe sharing group of mostly parents looking for a way to feed their families with food sensitivities, allergies or dietary restrictions. Great people, check it out if you need help or inspiration.

And there I found my new favorite blog, FatFree Vegan Kitchen. I'm going to start storing recipes from there on here, as I need a place to track them, and might inspire others at the same time!

Frank the horse

Sophia gets her first horseback ride on Frank the horse. El Capitan Ranch, Santa Barbara. Feb 2008.

Toys for a modern world

There are some things that just shouldn't be made into toys. Take for instance, the Playmobil Security Check Point.

Product Review: "I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!"

But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.

The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillence society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillence System set for Christmas. I've heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I'll get him the Playmobil Abu-Gharib Interogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo from George Bush)."

Read more hilarious reviews

first French braids!

OK the part is not exactly straight, nor centered on the back of this very wiggly head, but, drum roll please...we did manage something resembling French braids...ta dah!!!

argument for homeschooling?

It's time to tour kindergartens, if you are someone who plans to enter their child into public school at age 5, like mostofamerica. Those who know me know that at my heart of hearts, I am an unschooler and that I always wanted to homeschool any children I ever ended up having, way way before I ever started trying to conceive. Well fast forward to the present day, and I find myself a single mom who relies on a school system during the day so that I might work full-time.

And fast forward to my daughter, almost 5, who is now asking me to be homeschooled. 2.5 years of preschool seems to have been enough for her. It almost breaks my heart. I've been talking to her about the 3 local schools which are top of my list that we will be touring over the next week and she again makes the plea to homeschool. So I finally laid it all out for her. I told her that mommy has to work and asked her if she would just try this, one year at a time, and if she hates it, we will find a way to change the situation. I explained that it's because our family is so small that mommy has to work, but for instance, maybe I might find another job someday which could include her (we both dream to live & work on the organic farm pictured above), or maybe mommy will get married and not have to work full time, etc. But for now, we are going to look at schools and try to choose one.

And out pops the funniest thing I think she's ever said, which beautifully alleviates the small grieving we both feel about the situation.

Sophia says "OK mommy, I think we should look at schools and I think we should look at men. Maybe you'll find one you want to marry."

Out of the mouths of babes....!!!