one hell of a good time

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. - E. B. White

Great quote, just found on a homeschooling mom's blog. I am on vacation for a few days, in San Diego visiting my Japanese grandma & her husband who are on their way to catch a cruise to Mexico. I live 3 hours away, so we drove down and are doing Sea World and the Wild Animal Park.

So far, I've been having trouble reminding myself to have a good time. Even on vacation, it seems I am still grumpy & tired with Sophia. I think it would really take an actual 2 week vacation for me to mellow out and feel like I was having a hell of a good time. I need to do that, take 2 weeks and just be with my girl. Let the stress melt itself away like butter sitting out on the counter all day. We've got the upcoming holidays and somehow I've let myself get talked into going back East and staying with my parents for that time. A whole other stressful situation in itself. Not work, rather dealing with them! I would much rather lie on the banks of some beach somewhere and do nothing but collect rocks all day and let Sophia spend as much time as she wants getting as dirty as she wants. And then let it all wash away. And do it all over again the next day. Until I just don't get so angry anymore over the littlest things.

Anyway...in thinking ahead to tomorrow, my intention is to plan the day for both of the above, changing my own little world and having one hell of a good time. We are going to have fun. I am going to relax. I will not yell at Sophia. I will just enjoy the little things. Feed the dolphins, let her choose our pace, chase her around if she asks me to, instead of saying "Mommy's too tired," like I have been saying for at least a year. Just 24 little hours. I am making a pledge to myself to keep this all in check and to just have a good time. I think just this conscious shift is going to make a world of difference for both me and for Sophia.

I was moved tonight by a quote from a blog I stumbled upon:

"...if I put off swimming with my kids until my stomach is flat again, I’ll never be able to teach them how to jump waves. And I know that, in the end, my hesitation is going to be remembered a lot more clearly than how I look in my bathing suit." - Missy, from Life Without School (LWOS)

So so true. What do I want her to learn from me, that hesitation to run, jump, dance, be silly, and enjoy life? Where did that hesitation come from anyway? How did I let this full time working thing run me down so completely? I know I'm just tired and I know it won't always be this way (I hope), but I don't want this to be what she knows of me, what she remembers and carries with her about what it means to be a mommy. I can turn this around. We both deserve it.

time for me?

ugh...it's been one of those days (or months)! I just don't feel I am getting any of my needs met ever. I am constantly at work, either at the office (on average 10 hrs/weekday,) or cleaning the constant dust & laundry my house accumulates. Sophia thinks I never play with her, which I rarely do. And I am 100% broke all the time. While at work, it is just a constant stream of multi-tasking, no let up, and I hardly EVER leave for lunch because I am always feeling behind & relish the chance to catch up. But I never catch up!!

Some days I think I want to give it all up for some mindless job, like digging trenches.

I need a raise. I got the standard "we only give raises at the end of the year" line. But to be working this damn hard and not be able to afford to order take out when I am too pooped to cook dinner is a crock. I am behind in all my bills, getting disconnect notices. It was NEVER this bad when I worked for myself. In my own business, working 50-60 hr weeks meant I was rolling in the dough. I'm friggin' exhausted and trying to squeeze in side work after Sophia goes to sleep to make ends meet. Which means never sleeping...not good! Something's gotta give soon, and I don't know what it will be.

I am just venting like a steam engine here...phew! It's good to get it out, bad to populate my blog with all this negative mojo. I just can't seem to get my head above water right now, and need some serious re-assessment soon. I simply can't go on like this for much longer, it is totally not sustainable. Thinking of getting married to some anybody just for someone to split the cost of living with!! Or even worse...taking my parents up on their usual and constant offers for us to come and live with them across the country. Anyway, no I am seriously not serious about these ridiculous thoughts. I would never do either of those things! I'm too much a believer in true love and too radically opposed to letting my mom and dad have that much access to Sophia! I am just needing something to change and so utterly uncertain of how to manifest that change.

Feel free to send ideas...no comment will be considered outrageous, all advice welcome!

retrograde

"You are where you are in your life because of what you believe is possible for you."

Quote from Jacob Glass' email signature. Not sure if it's him, from the Course or someone else. Attributed or not, this is the quote which struck a chord in me this fine morning. Do I not have the kind of partner I wish for because I do not believe it is possible? Can that be true?

Certainly it can be, but is it? I used to do a lot of visioning for the perfect partner, but who I am has so substantially changed since then (read becoming a mother!) that maybe I just have never taken the time to reset the manifestation, and the universe "knows" that that kind of person would just never do as a parent figure in Sophia's life. So maybe it's time to start re-visioning.

As soon as I typed "re-visioning" I had a hit to find out when the next Mercury retrograde would be. That's always a good time for doing things that start with "re-". So I googled and found this site - amazingly on target for exactly what I just typed. If you have an interest in this, click on the upcoming one in October to see more...sounds like I know what I'll be doing next month!!

Focus for my blog

I've decided I want to focus on something with this blog. The first rule of writing, I've heard, is to write what you know. I also know that in my life, when I've needed support, the best way to get it is to create it. So here are the areas I am considering focusing this blog on, which are both things I know about and areas I'd like more support in:

1. food allergies/sensitivities in children
2. being a working mom
3. being a single mom
4. how to make money off your blog or website

OK that last one I am not an expert at, but I want to be, so putting it in my list to start manifesting it that way!

This list also comes from what I want to "get" out of the internet, first and foremost. I spend my days hopping around the internet in a random, non-focused way and I have only so many hours in a day, so these are the areas I feel I can learn the most from and which the internet is a great tool for.

However, if I can both make money by creating a blog on one topic, and if I can also actually help other people with my knowledge acquired thus far as a mom, that would be incredible. So the first two bullets are my top choices. I know a lot about food allergies, but not sure it thrills me to write about them. And in my new career path, I am starting to realize that women in the workplace still have a long way to go, and that there is little support out there for working women, and even less for working moms. So I'm going to start a few posts on these two topics and let my "readers" decide which they'd rather hear more from me on. I hope I have a few readers left out there!

lifting heavy rocks

This weekend, we found time for a day at the beach: jumping in the waves, making killer sand castles and braiding seaweed bracelets. What a gift of reconnection to the things that matter most to me: my daughter, this beautiful earth, moving my body, and creating things with my hands.

So in that same spirit, in case you didn't notice already, I spruced things up around here a bit! A facelift for my blog as I have been inspired lately by some really great blogs, and also feeling a little less than creative in my work, so I want to get back to this outlet, among others.

Also (cringe) I am starting to add some advertising. Lemme know if it bugs you. I am finding moms out there who make a living for their families simply by the advertising on their blogs. And they are doing hella creative cool stuff, blogging about it, and having a blast. With children in tow. So here's my stab at it. I know nothing about building a readership, but my pal Laureen does, so maybe I can pick her brain!!

So stay tuned to cool new things here, and also check out some of these cool blogs on my links at the left (not the right anymore, phew, such change)!!

reflecting on a blog

happy mother's day everyone. we went to an amazing church service today, with urging to let go of any old crap you still think your mother owes you and move to the now, move to a place of love. it was much a bigger and better message than that, but this is the piece that stuck with me. it's true. the primary thing all mothers gave us, whether they were good, bad, indifferent or absent, they gave us life. what they did from there on varies with each of us, but one thing i think is true, is that our mothers did the best they could with what they had. not all of them had the best tools, some had too much of their own pain to see thru. some had misguided ideas of what was best or right. but what we decide to do with it from here, that part is up to us.

i started this post as a reminder to myself of my initial intent with this blog. i happened to go back to my first post tonight and saw that my intention was to use this to reflect on my day, my life with sophia, and to create a kind of gratitude journal for us to look back on. i strayed from that course a bit and this had started to become the chronicles of my move to portland and back.

so tonight, i reflect on a beautiful 24 past hours. first a babysitter and a night out for mama, perhaps only 4th or 5th time to do that in 3 years. went to a fundraising gala for local arts workspace, all dressed up and dancing under the stars. was taken cruising with 3 handsome men in a 20 foot 1960 cadillac, stopping along state street for tequilla shots...then back to the dance floor and 3 different propositions for a "ride home"...hah! what a night for a single mom, eh? i went home with known and beloved riccardo, father of my child, with whom i've been somewhat estranged for the last 2 weeks. we're finally navigating the tough choices of our relationship and finding our way. i've been trying to reclaim myself, my sexuality, and all things relating to riccardo. but last night, the magic was in the air, and perhaps something about others wanting me did something for him, who really knows, but a ride home turned into a powerful physical reconnection, then he left at 5 am to take his mom to vegas for a few days. not sure when we will see him again, we are working out at least 1 night a week visitation.

whoosh, got way off track there...just a little update, but back to reflecting...so fun night of drinking and dancing and a chance to step out in heels and an evening gown...all to the tune of flattering compliments from so many people i know and love. great music, full moon, and all the time, the lovely Pema had my sweetie pie out on a date of her own, dancing and drumming until a pretty darn late 11 pm for a 3 year old! Pems spent the night and she and Sophia made me a mother's day breakfast in bed! then we all went to the church service, saw so many more people i know and love. wild that i'd never even heard of that church and its less than a half a mile from my house. after sophia and i went to the library and had lunch out, then back home for a long nap. tonight i made sophia dinner in bed because she liked this concept so much!

overall a lovely mothers day. i have a deep gratitude for the messages coming my way about divine love. i have been searching for a spiritual path for some time. the crazy thing is that now it seems to be searching for me. i am deeply grateful for my biggest teacher, my sweet and beautiful sophia. i am at every moment simultaneously proud of her, in awe of her, in awe of me, and scared out of my gourd! i want so much to give her a golden childhood, and also see the effects that single motherhood has on that dream. i want so much better for her than what i am often able to provide. i guess every mother feels that way. i just pray a little, breathe a lot and keep on trying harder.

and i wonder how often my mother did the exact same thing.

hmm well hmmm

Just haven't blogged in so long, I felt I needed to post an update. In no particular order.

So we did not get that house down in the previous post. Our dream home still eludes us here. But we found a fun landing place for 3 months, until mid-June, which gets us to a better rental time of year, when students are leaving, etc. In the meantime, we can take our time looking for the perfect home and for now, we are in a really nice 4 bedroom, 2 story house, with fireplaces (plural) and granite kitchen countertops, 2 car garage...all for pretty cheap because it's a temp rental and the landlord is a nice guy. Photos here are from Sophia's recent 3rd bday party at our house. You can see more photos here.

Riccardo is back in CA visiting us, in between going down to LA for work. He's been down there for a few weeks. For spring break, we went to SF with our friends, Jack, Diana and 3 year old Santiago. Visited the aquarium, saw sea lions on the pier, went to MOMA (great Calder exhibit!), the huge Apple store, Berkeley & the Children's Museum there, lots of bookstores & toystores & an art gallery & the Art Institute (got a tour from Michelle!), and rode street cars, the trolley & even a ferry across the bay! Saw our friends Michelle and Laureen (& all of team Hudson) up there. Fun, fun but ever so urban.

We're planning a trip to Sea World in San Diego for the last weekend of April. Sophia is currently obsessed with beluga whales, as well as her other favorites: orcas, dolphins, octopi, manta rays and anything you might have seen in Finding Nemo. She got a fish for her birthday, named it Dory of course, but don't tell Sophia it's only a betta!

All in all, in case I haven't said it yet, it's good to be home. Thanks to everyone who has checked in with us. We're doing well! And what's funny, I have a humungous house here, and I seem to find every bedroom full almost every night. We have one paying roommate, Aubri, and then there's me, Sophia, sometimes Riccardo, every once in a while an artist friend down on their luck or a visiting professor from Europe or all of the above at once! A friend noticed that I seem to have built a little village...and how it's funny that I went up to Portland seeking intentional community, and yet I probably had it all along here, I just couldn't afford a large enough house in Santa Barbara! But my personality type is one of open doors and hospitality, with a soft spot for the lost puppies of the world, so with any luck, I will be able to continue to manifest this kind of community and generosity, leading to always having a full table at dinner and finding all of my sheets in continual use!

where I've been, where I'm going

Ah yes, it's been a looong time since I've posted and many have asked where I've been all this time? Well life just keeps swirling and dancing with me, taking me on many unexpected twists and leaps lately. I was gone for a few weeks visiting family, had a really crazy time getting thru airport security, past a few illnesses, and thru a few major financial hurdles, but we made it back here safe and sound. Broke, but healthy, right?

Hmm. Right? Hey universe, I didn't really hear your answer there, it was kinda muffled. What was that you said?

So a few days ago, I found a lump in my right breast. It's small, but definitely there on one side and not on the other. I have a mammogram scheduled for tomorrow. I keep hoping it is nothing, just something to do with recently stopping nursing. (Yes, Sophia stopped all on her own, about 3 weeks ago was the last time, sniff sniff! She was just ready and told me there was no more milk in there. Who knew it would be so easy?)

But whatever it is, this sort of lentil sized lump has brought everything in my life into an alarmingly crisp focus...it's time to go back home. Back to where the people who love you live. Back to where you know where to go for every conceivable medical office, know how long it takes you to drive from there to your preschool, where there are people close by who Sophia loves who could be with her if, heaven forbid, I have to stay in the hospital overnight or something like that down the line. Just simply I need to be in a place where I feel strong and on my home turf if I am about to be fighting something with all I've got. Home court advantage. Clear as the nose on my face.

So I gave notice on my house and at preschool. I'm trying to find a replacement renter here for Feb 1. So all you Californians take note...we're coming home! I can't tell you how relieved I am for the agonizing and decision making to be finally over. I am ever so grateful for all I've learned here and the phenomenal people I have met. It has been illuminating in so many ways. And hopefully I am coming back with a story to tell of this silly health scare that turned out to be nothing. I ask for your prayers and healing thoughts my way, especially tomorrow around 3pm Pacific time. I will keep you posted!

when cons turn to pro(se)

last night i said to Pema that oddly enough, if i could pull out my old pros and cons list for reasons why i wanted to leave santa barbara, many of the former cons have turned into the exact opposite now: they're on the pros list for reasons to move back. crazy eh?

for instance, one of the cons for staying in SB was that I had friends who know me deeply, yet most of them do not have children. i thought i needed to change this, needed a different support system. so in Portland, 99% of my friends have children. but here, i have realized that in those truly stressful, bad mommy moments, when I run out of rope and need someone to be with Sophia while I walk out and scream, those child-less friends of mine were able to be there for me in a heartbeat. parents can't just leave home spontaneously, there's dinner to make or kids to put to bed. i think what i was really wanting was some mama/papa wisdom. but as i've learned since i got here, mama advice is only an email or call away. from the wise ones I've met here to my friends around the world, email has been my main connection to fellow moms all along. so why not go back to where the friends are, and keep the email mamas with me as well? (~photo is of Steven, my childless beloved friend a few hours after he'd helped bring Sophia into the world. i wanted to show the sunlight streaming thru the rosy windows of the cottage)

one more example: shortly after sophia turned 1, we moved to downtown SB. we lived on a very busy street corner. i used to say i wanted to live somewhere safe enough that Sophia could run outdoors and let the screen door bang behind her, that i wanted to be surrounded by easy access to nature and wild-ness. after hearing that there is a chance of the las canoas cottage being for rent again, and after my epiphany moment this week, i realized that the cottage has just the swinging screen door i was imagining all along. well, on the "move from santa barbara list" i was envisioning an old farm house in a field somewhere, that i owned. but i just realized that the cottage screen door opens onto a lawn toward the barn in one direction, and out onto the secret path to the citrus trees and the main house in the other direction. i realized i could teach her now how to navigate the driveway to even go up to the hay bale house to visit Pat & Nancy or play in the garden. and there is not much wilder or more nature-y a spot in SB than one's own private access to Rattlesnake trailhead & creek via a big grassy field full of huge rocks to climb and gopher holes to jump over. (~photo of aforementioned Pema with aforementioned 1 day old babe, near aforementioned open door)

these are just two examples of how this move has actually helped me manifest what I was looking for, as well as helped me to see what I was overlooking all along. what a blessed life i now possess. i am so grateful for this move and the gifts it has given me, above all, the vision to see my future, with both hindsight and foresight. i feel as if i'm on the upswing of the beginning of my life.