Easter eggs

This year, we tried a new technique, thanks to my friend R from work. We picked various flowers and leaves with interesting flat shapes from around the neighborhood, mostly our own yard:

Simply place botanical on a hard-boiled egg, wrap with nylon pantyhose, tie snugly:


Then dip the wrapped eggs in any kind of dye you like. We used traditional Paas dye from Kmart, my friend R went way cool and made her own natural onion skin dye. Both turned out beautifully!

See my Flickr page for more photos.

And here's the happy egg artiste, with her collection of found eggs after Easter egg hunt 1 of 2 so far this year:

Family Photo

Yes, the classic "camera at arms length" photo, this one taken in the boat about to go into "It's A Small World" ride at Disneyland. Went there for Sophia's 6th birthday, her dad came with us. Fun time was had by all!

end of a historic year

Every new year creates a bit of history, now doesn't it? But this one is holds so much, both personally and for the world at large.

Sophia & I did our part in electing the nation's first African American president. I am so proud and awestruck that we did it...hard working volunteers around the nation pitched in and made it happen. My 5.5 year old learned so much about the electoral process and about fairness and what we as a family value in the world, by talking about what Obama represents, why we are so lucky in this country to have a chance to vote, and how far this nation has come in regard to how we treat people with different colors of skin. She watched as I volunteered, she even pitched in herself numerous times. It's her 2nd presidential election to volunteer for, but the last one she rode along asleep on my back for most of it.


Then there's Prop 8 in California and all the other anti-gay ballot initiatives which took us backwards in the civil rights movement, in my opinion. These were stunning blows, I worked tirelessly in phone banks on Prop 8, and it paid off here in Santa Barbara county, the only southern California county to vote No on 8. I'm still working for the cause and will not rest until this issue is moot. I for one am not willing to pass this fight on to my daughter. I pray it's resolved before she even thinks about going on her first date!

This year, personally, I have come to realize that while I have come a long way, I still have a long way I'd like to go on my journey. I want to stop being so critical. I want to feel happier, laugh more, love more, work less, live in my gratitude more. I have gotten a bit weighed down. I want to shed those things that don't lift me up and I want to dance, rejoice, giggle, cuddle and play more. I don't want my daughter to feel disconnected from me. I want to meet her where she's at, even if that means giving up on cleaning the house or volunteering for a cause, and sitting on the floor playing Littlest Pet Shop for an hour!

So if you don't see a blog post for a rather long time, you can imagine I might be having a tea party or dressing these way too teeeny tiny Polly Pocket dolls in their itsy bitsy rubber dresses. I sure hope that's my excuse next time!

insert recent picture here

don't blink...

In the blink of an eye, children change. Seriously, in a single instant, they grow, they move on to a new stage, and things never go back to the way they were again.

This post is written to all the people who sneered, chided, disapproved or in any other way discouraged me into thinking that I was spoiling my daughter by continuing to co-sleep into her fifth year, that I'd never get her out of my bed. Hooey, is what I say to all of you.

I practiced nursing on demand and then child led weaning. Sophia nursed until she had her needs completely met by it, and at age 2.75, she gave each breast a goodbye kiss and a little snuggle in the bath one night, and told me that there was no more milk for her. She only asked to nurse 2 additional times after that, for only a few minutes each, in the week following. Blink...done.

For the past month, at her own unique and developmental/age appropriate timing, my daughter has been asking to have her own bed back (I bought her one more than a year ago, it got moved to the playroom in the garage since she never sleeps in it). Finally over the 3 day weekend, I took her up on it. We live in a small one bedroom apartment, but I knew the day might come when she'd want her own room, and have been prepared to move myself to the living room. This weekend, it just felt right. I knew she wanted the bed for sleeping in this time. So I moved my bed to the living room (soon to be replaced by a futon or fold out couch for me to sleep on), and moved her loft bed into the bedroom. We transformed our former bedroom into "her" room (my dressers are still in there and we share the large closet).

And the result? My first two nights in a row ever of putting my child to bed at a decent hour and having "mommy time" to myself after she's asleep! Whoot!! I have been seriously mal-advised and mis-informed on what this was going to be like. Everyone talked about what a struggle it would be, how we'd have to ramp up for it, be prepared for several sleepless nights, be ready to sleep in her bed with her then gradually move to sitting in the room until she fell asleep, then finally tiptoeing out. Supernanny has several episodes of all these techniques poor young parents struggle with for weeks with their 18 month olds. Hmm...maybe Jr. just isn't ready yet or being allowed his own perfect timing in the situation? Because when it came to Sophia's time, she climbed in her bed, gave me 3 real kisses and blew me 2 more, and rolled over and went to sleep. We've got a nightlight on, which she has never needed in the past, but for 2 nights in a row, there has been no arguing, no crying, no fuss, just straight into bed and to sleep.

And this is my kid who woke every 20 minutes for the first 2 years of her life. This is the mom who has never been able to get her daughter to sleep without me also sleeping next to her in 5 years. Two days ago, that was my story and then, blink, the next day, it's completely different.

I've heard all your criticism and naysaying. And sure, I have been friggin' tired for the past 5 years. But that's all it's been, 5 short years. I've got 60-70 odd more years of being her mom, so that's a far cry from never getting her out of my bed. I've got plenty of time to recoup my rest and sleep by myself! Yes, reading my book on meditation all by myself last night without someone bouncing on the bed or asking me to look at her latest magic trick over and over again was definitely pleasurable. But would I have wanted to force this on her years ago, just to have that momentary pleasure? No! I was tired, I never got alone time, but did I really in my heart hold those needs above completely meeting my daughter's attachment needs until she no longer needed to be in my bed? Not for one minute! I never felt cheated or burned out from not getting my alone time at night for 5 years. All along, I knew that I had something much more precious going on that would be over in the blink of an eye, and who was I to rush that?

(this all happened on "Independence Day"..and above is Sophia wearing her patriotic PJs which has "lil miss independence" stitched on the shirt!)

Frank the horse

Sophia gets her first horseback ride on Frank the horse. El Capitan Ranch, Santa Barbara. Feb 2008.

first French braids!

OK the part is not exactly straight, nor centered on the back of this very wiggly head, but, drum roll please...we did manage something resembling French braids...ta dah!!!

argument for homeschooling?

It's time to tour kindergartens, if you are someone who plans to enter their child into public school at age 5, like mostofamerica. Those who know me know that at my heart of hearts, I am an unschooler and that I always wanted to homeschool any children I ever ended up having, way way before I ever started trying to conceive. Well fast forward to the present day, and I find myself a single mom who relies on a school system during the day so that I might work full-time.

And fast forward to my daughter, almost 5, who is now asking me to be homeschooled. 2.5 years of preschool seems to have been enough for her. It almost breaks my heart. I've been talking to her about the 3 local schools which are top of my list that we will be touring over the next week and she again makes the plea to homeschool. So I finally laid it all out for her. I told her that mommy has to work and asked her if she would just try this, one year at a time, and if she hates it, we will find a way to change the situation. I explained that it's because our family is so small that mommy has to work, but for instance, maybe I might find another job someday which could include her (we both dream to live & work on the organic farm pictured above), or maybe mommy will get married and not have to work full time, etc. But for now, we are going to look at schools and try to choose one.

And out pops the funniest thing I think she's ever said, which beautifully alleviates the small grieving we both feel about the situation.

Sophia says "OK mommy, I think we should look at schools and I think we should look at men. Maybe you'll find one you want to marry."

Out of the mouths of babes....!!!

one hell of a good time

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. - E. B. White

Great quote, just found on a homeschooling mom's blog. I am on vacation for a few days, in San Diego visiting my Japanese grandma & her husband who are on their way to catch a cruise to Mexico. I live 3 hours away, so we drove down and are doing Sea World and the Wild Animal Park.

So far, I've been having trouble reminding myself to have a good time. Even on vacation, it seems I am still grumpy & tired with Sophia. I think it would really take an actual 2 week vacation for me to mellow out and feel like I was having a hell of a good time. I need to do that, take 2 weeks and just be with my girl. Let the stress melt itself away like butter sitting out on the counter all day. We've got the upcoming holidays and somehow I've let myself get talked into going back East and staying with my parents for that time. A whole other stressful situation in itself. Not work, rather dealing with them! I would much rather lie on the banks of some beach somewhere and do nothing but collect rocks all day and let Sophia spend as much time as she wants getting as dirty as she wants. And then let it all wash away. And do it all over again the next day. Until I just don't get so angry anymore over the littlest things.

Anyway...in thinking ahead to tomorrow, my intention is to plan the day for both of the above, changing my own little world and having one hell of a good time. We are going to have fun. I am going to relax. I will not yell at Sophia. I will just enjoy the little things. Feed the dolphins, let her choose our pace, chase her around if she asks me to, instead of saying "Mommy's too tired," like I have been saying for at least a year. Just 24 little hours. I am making a pledge to myself to keep this all in check and to just have a good time. I think just this conscious shift is going to make a world of difference for both me and for Sophia.

I was moved tonight by a quote from a blog I stumbled upon:

"...if I put off swimming with my kids until my stomach is flat again, I’ll never be able to teach them how to jump waves. And I know that, in the end, my hesitation is going to be remembered a lot more clearly than how I look in my bathing suit." - Missy, from Life Without School (LWOS)

So so true. What do I want her to learn from me, that hesitation to run, jump, dance, be silly, and enjoy life? Where did that hesitation come from anyway? How did I let this full time working thing run me down so completely? I know I'm just tired and I know it won't always be this way (I hope), but I don't want this to be what she knows of me, what she remembers and carries with her about what it means to be a mommy. I can turn this around. We both deserve it.

the angel herself

And here's a picture of the angel who spotted the wings below. Who let her grow up so fast?? I used to have a baby (see post below for proof of this)! What happened?!!

Do I sound like every mom on the planet?

angel wings

I finally realized I can get the photos off my camera card without the camera working, because I have a card reader in my monitor. Finally I get to see the last pix I took before dropping my camera! Still waiting to get it back from Pentax :(

This pic is from last week. Sophia was outside swinging and calling for me, "Mommy get out here, Mom, you'll never believe this!!" I am expecting to find her sprawled on the ground, skinned up knee or peering over a dead bug or something. Instead she is staring up at the sky and says "Mommy it looks like angel wings all over the sky." Then she asked me to take some photos, one of them above. Moments like this one are priceless!

a real reader

oh yeah, of course after my "ME" post, I forgot to announce the most exciting thing that happened to us this September...Sophia is officially a reader! As she says it "I'm not a guessing reader but a real REAL reader!!"

we're both very proud...she has wanted this so badly, all on her own, no pressure from anyone. she worked and worked at it, and then it just started clicking. oh and she loves to say "and I'm not even four and a half" (which now, as of today, she IS, so it was pretty funny that she got it a few weeks before that date, and was bragging about it!).

time to write

all this time on my hands. not sure what to do with it.

took a few days off work to get this thing removed from my right breast. last remnant of a part of motherhood i may never experience again. it was a lump that evolved from an amount of dried up milk which was never expressed when Sophia stopped nursing very abruptly. it gave me quite a scare while we were up in portland, part of what drove me back to the sunny shores of santa barbara and to the arms of people i love. well it never really went away, and finally i was told i needed to have it removed.

so i'm on a borrowed laptop from work and finding that Sophia will actually fall asleep to the dim light of the screen if i am lying in bed next to her. so now, after weeks of crazy hectic full days at work, i can actually find time to blog at night. and listen to new ani difranco music. and find some alone time (well mostly alone, if i can ignore the incessant snoring from a certain small person in bed next to me!).

spent similar alone time this morning while she snored, in the time between dawn and when my sleepyhead wakes up. a morning of reverie, rather than rushing to pack a lunchbox, getting ready for work. i spent it re-reading old journal entries from around the time sophia was conceived. i'll post some of my writing next. i think i'm ready to actually share some of my own writings. but before i do that, wanted to share what happened when sophia woke up. in this journal, there is a folder pocket, which contains scraps of things from that time: post-it notes with Ricco's cell phone numbers in Europe, business card from my midwife, a train ticket, receipt for my EPT tests. and among all that, are the ultrasound photos. the only photos of sophia's lost twin. i was staring into these distorted images, finding a face for the first time staring at me thru the technology. it was a strange moment, i think i'd always just tucked those photos away, trying to tuck away the loss at the same time. when i found out i was carrying twins, i was a 32 year old single woman, overwhelmed already by early pregnancy, trying to continue to run a business thru the haze of morning sickness and hormones, as well as coping with the fact of loving someone who was, in one way, all i had ever dreamed of, but on the other hand, was likely to never show up for me or our child in the ways we really wanted him to.

add to that whirling swirling head space not one, but two babies. and one of them with something severely wrong with it physically, only one fifth the size of the other. well it just felt like good news to find out a few weeks later that the smaller baby did not have a heartbeat, would not survive. at that time, i felt some loss, but mostly relief. and not until now, nearly 5 years later, do i pull those ultrasound pix out again and really feel that there was another life in me which never made it out to see the light of day.

oh my baby, my small small child. you join so many other of your brothers and sisters who passed into me, but not through me. i told sophia, your big sister about you today. showed her your photographs. she wants to know why we never saw you. she thinks maybe she saw you inside once. thank you for accompanying sophia on part of her journey to this world. we're sorry we never met you, sorry we couldn't hold you and help make your passing easier. we hope you are safe and warm and loved somewhere. i am sorry as your mother that i did not see your face any sooner than this. i was so sad about losing you, i think, that i just couldn't open my eyes or my heart to you before now. we love you little one.

she goes underwater!

After 2 days in a row at the pool, Sophia finally went underwater! She's so proud of herself, and it was really fun to watch her go from being so afraid to get her ears wet to dunking herself totally under, over and over and over again. We had to practically pull her out of the water.

It all started while playing "Shamu" with her dad. He would do tricks and she'd pretend to go underwater to get fish to reward him with. But she wasn't putting her face in, just holding her nose and pretending. Then about 20 mins later, something clicked and she just went all the way down. She kept doing it and doing it, and yelling to the lifeguards, "Eric did you see me, I went underwater! I just learned!" Then she'd go under while holding her nose shut, then let go of her nose, lift her knees to her chest and start paddling with her hands and feet to resurface. This was all in water that was just at chin level for her, so she could stand at any time, but that made her confident enough to take the "plunge", pun intended!

We're scheduled to go again this coming weekend, so stay tuned for progress reports! There's no doubt, folks, this girl is growing up for sure!

"I want to change the world" - Sophia

If you haven't listened to the song I have in the little music player on the sidebar of my blog, click it when you have a chance. The reason it's there is because when I was listening to it, Sophia said to me:

"Is that song about me? Because I want to change the world. I want to change the world because I don't think anything is belonging right. Because I don't want there to be any war and no guns sticking to people's pants. Isn't that so weird?"

Straight quote. I typed it as she said it. That's enough reason for a mama to put a song on her blog, isn't it?!

A few weeks ago, we were at a fundraiser where kids could make a wish from a "Wish Fairy" if mom or dad made a cash donation. Her friends asked for a pony, a Barbie car, a little brother. Sophia wished that there could be no more war, only peace.

Some days, I think I haven't a clue what I am doing as a parent. Other days, like these, I know I am doing just fine...

Having a sister

In case you missed it in the last post, Sophia has now met her half sister Bianca. Bianca is 7, lives in Denmark. She and Sophia share 2 of the most distinctive things about themselves: an on-again/off-again traveling Dad and severe eczema resulting from wheat and dairy allergy. Likely the two things they will wish they could change about themselves. Now they have just met someone who shares their exact own pain.

They've not met in the past for two reasons, what with that giant Atlantic separating them and then because the mother was very upset when Riccardo had another child with another woman, and she was reticent to even tell Bianca about Sophia, let alone meet us. But each girl, both an only child of a single mother, have longed so desperately for a sibling and for simply "more" family. We convinced Maria (Bianca's mom) to let the girls meet when they came to the US for a visit this month. We had one weekend together last week, and are about to have another tomorrow. Then they will return to Denmark and we will miss them too, along with Riccardo, who will go back to Europe for another 8-9 months.

We all got along very well. At first there was the obstacle that neither girl expected, which was the language barrier. Bianca has learned a scant few words in English thus far, and we tried to learn a little Danish in a 30 minute crash course, but of course none of it stuck when we met them. Both girls had expectations of a sister, which did not include not being able to talk to each other, so they were a little unsettled by that. But Bianca started picking up English like a wildfire, which was great.

After that, it was just intense. Very, very big emotions. It was either a super fun and exciting big sisterly love-fest, or then just one small thing, a stubbed toe, or finding out the sherbert at the ice cream store on the wharf had dairy in it, and each girl would take turns bursting into tears and absolute meltdown. Feelings were raw and at the surface. For both, this is just what they have always wanted, to spend fun, quality time with both of their parents together, as well as with a sister. But it was a true testament to the tricky nature of getting exactly what you've always wished for. It was so overwhelming for Sophia, combined with too much sugar and no napping all weekend. She was maxed out. I've been brain dead all week, vegging in front of the TV every night after work.

And we're about to do it again this weekend too. Whoosh. I am not sure I am ready for it, but we'll manage. And then they will all go away and we will miss Daddy for a while, probably have potty accidents for a few weeks (just Sophia, I hope, but who knows about me!!), and then we will get back to our nice quiet life, just a mama and her girl. Like we always are.

Interesting final note, I asked Sophia this week if she wished she had a daddy that was always here with us. She first said yes, and said "because then mommy you wouldn't have to do everything and you wouldn't have to pay for everything." Not sure where and how she picked up on the money thing...so other than me being sad that finances have invaded her little brain on some level, I was so touched that she understood or empathized a little how it is for me. But then, to add to the moment, she said "but usually I like it when it's just you and me." You could have knocked me over with a feather! I've never considered that maybe she is happy with it this way. I am always angst and guilt ridden worrying about this weird life I've set up for her, worrying about needing to fill the daddy gap, etc. But maybe, just maybe, sometimes she doesn't feel a gap at all.

Ahhh....

One sunny day...

Dragon Riders

As most who know me know, I've been involved in an arts workshop/parade every year for about 14 years around the time of the Summer Solstice. It's a rejuvenating, exhilarating experience for me to create art bigger than myself, using just my hands...a land where there is no copy, paste or undo.

Sophia of course has been in the parade all her life. I met her dad there and the creative energy coursing thru us at this same season brought a life into being, 4 years ago.

So this year, Sophia designed her own float. Inspired by the Eragon stories, she wants to be a dragon rider. So mama is making not one but 4 dragon sculptures for Sophia and her friends to ride on. Sophia is our only "boy" character, all her other friends are going to be princesses. But that's my girl!! (little white kid in the photo above, short hair - "like Eragon")

Below is a story I wrote on it for the local paper. More photos here.

**********
When asked what she wanted to make for Solstice this year, 4 year old Sophia Smith-Morrison told sculptor mom Laura Smith that she wanted to ride on the back of a dragon. Sophia proceeded to demonstrate with her hands how she wanted the dragon's mouth to open & close, and for cardboard fire to come out of its mouth. After being a passive participant in the parade for her first 3 years, Sophia designed her first float at the ripe old age of 4!

At 3 months of age, Sophia rode along with mom, wrapped up in a sling carrier, which Laura made from the same fabric as her own costume, and they danced up State Street together. At age 1, 2 & 3, Sophia napped thru the parade, in a stroller decorated as a Pegasus, a flower, and a clownfish respectively. This year, she will ride atop a dragon of her own design, along with many of her friends. Sophia prefers the "Eragon" style costume, while many of her friends have chosen princess or knight attire. The float will be comprised of 3-4 large dragon sculptures which will seat 2 children each. Other costumes include carry along dragons (hobby horse style) which will be ridden by older children on skates, roller blades and scooters, as well as dragon costumes for parents who will carry their infant "riders" on their backs.

While Laura and Sophia are Solstice "old-timers" (mom has been both on the staff and the Board of Directors of Solstice in the past), they have created the ensemble this year side-by-side with another family who is brand new to the Solstice experience. The Erringers, mom Anu, dad Alan, daughter Katja (age 5) and son Nicolas (age 2), have been instrumental to the creation of the 3 large dragon floats, as well as a dozen or more dragon masks and costumes. Alan has been in the parade once before, and offers his broad technical, engineering & construction skills to the float. The rest of the Erringer family are new to Solstice, and are having a transformative experience as their 2 year old son learns to use hand tools, and their 5 year old daughter opens up to the creative experience. Anu is enjoying overseeing the painting, papier-maching and production/decorating of dragon masks.

"Our children love having a "job" that they are responsible for. It's been a wonderful experience to watch our 5 year old daughter grow up a little by taking on the responsibility for carrying Dad's tool bag into Solstice each day, or being in charge of certain projects, like painting or papier maché," says Alan Erringer.

An interesting contribution this group of parents has made to the Solstice parade is the concoction of a non-toxic papier maché paste. The wallpaper paste typically used for large maché projects contains toxic chemical preservatives. The moms decided to research alternatives and tested several paste recipes, settling on a very simple, inexpensive mixture of cornstarch, salt and water. Traditionally, papier maché paste was made from just flour and water; preservatives have been added to prolong shelf life. This team took it one step further, since one of the children has a gluten allergy, they found a way to make an equally durable paste not only non-toxic, but also wheat free!

This ensemble offers many opportunities for those interested in getting involved with Solstice. We have had volunteers of all ages helping with this float, from toddler to teen to grandparents. If you've always wanted to come down and get creative at Solstice, come to the workshop and look for the Dragon Riders. We'll be sure to find something fun for you to work on! And we are starting to recruit adults to help pull the dragons on the day of the parade (the "Dragon Draggers" as we are calling ourselves). Come down, decorate a mask, whip together a costume, and enjoy Solstice dragon style!

hmm well hmmm

Just haven't blogged in so long, I felt I needed to post an update. In no particular order.

So we did not get that house down in the previous post. Our dream home still eludes us here. But we found a fun landing place for 3 months, until mid-June, which gets us to a better rental time of year, when students are leaving, etc. In the meantime, we can take our time looking for the perfect home and for now, we are in a really nice 4 bedroom, 2 story house, with fireplaces (plural) and granite kitchen countertops, 2 car garage...all for pretty cheap because it's a temp rental and the landlord is a nice guy. Photos here are from Sophia's recent 3rd bday party at our house. You can see more photos here.

Riccardo is back in CA visiting us, in between going down to LA for work. He's been down there for a few weeks. For spring break, we went to SF with our friends, Jack, Diana and 3 year old Santiago. Visited the aquarium, saw sea lions on the pier, went to MOMA (great Calder exhibit!), the huge Apple store, Berkeley & the Children's Museum there, lots of bookstores & toystores & an art gallery & the Art Institute (got a tour from Michelle!), and rode street cars, the trolley & even a ferry across the bay! Saw our friends Michelle and Laureen (& all of team Hudson) up there. Fun, fun but ever so urban.

We're planning a trip to Sea World in San Diego for the last weekend of April. Sophia is currently obsessed with beluga whales, as well as her other favorites: orcas, dolphins, octopi, manta rays and anything you might have seen in Finding Nemo. She got a fish for her birthday, named it Dory of course, but don't tell Sophia it's only a betta!

All in all, in case I haven't said it yet, it's good to be home. Thanks to everyone who has checked in with us. We're doing well! And what's funny, I have a humungous house here, and I seem to find every bedroom full almost every night. We have one paying roommate, Aubri, and then there's me, Sophia, sometimes Riccardo, every once in a while an artist friend down on their luck or a visiting professor from Europe or all of the above at once! A friend noticed that I seem to have built a little village...and how it's funny that I went up to Portland seeking intentional community, and yet I probably had it all along here, I just couldn't afford a large enough house in Santa Barbara! But my personality type is one of open doors and hospitality, with a soft spot for the lost puppies of the world, so with any luck, I will be able to continue to manifest this kind of community and generosity, leading to always having a full table at dinner and finding all of my sheets in continual use!

making felt people

glueing teeny tiny eyes on teeny weeny felt people...that's sometimes what it's all about. ok so the man and the kid didn't get eyes yet, but you wouldn't believe how mutha f-ing difficult it is to glue felt together. that stuff just doesn't wanna be glued!