making felt people

glueing teeny tiny eyes on teeny weeny felt people...that's sometimes what it's all about. ok so the man and the kid didn't get eyes yet, but you wouldn't believe how mutha f-ing difficult it is to glue felt together. that stuff just doesn't wanna be glued!

gypsies and vagabonds

One response I got recently asked if moving again might be traumatic for Sophia. I wanted to think about this a bit. Now, I am taking this advice with a grain of salt, because this is a friend without kids, who does not know Sophia well at all, nor me really anymore (we used to be close before I became a mom). But I do wonder about it, and it is always hard to think of how my actions could negatively impact my child. So I'd love to hear if anyone else has thoughts on this.

My friend Lauren said "Sophia needs a happy mama, whether broke in SB or not." And I do have to say I tend to agree with this perspective much more than worrying about possible negatives. Moms worry all the time, and I think its one of the least healthy things we can do for our children. At her age, a move will only be traumatic for Sophia if it is for me. And I have seen her become much more relaxed and happy in the past few days since I have gotten more at peace about wherever we are. She went to school today joyfully, not crying and resisting, as she has for weeks. I have seen since infancy how much more affected she is by the internal climate between us than anything external in our lives.

I don't want to instill early gypsy roots in the girl, I know moving a lot as a kid was hard for me. She does have it in her genes with a nomadic father and a mother known for occasional bouts of needing to learn life's lessons the hands-on way. Not to mention fairy godmother Pema, also well known for her wanderlust, and our countless other friendships with kindred travelers and seekers along the path (you know who you are!). I also vaguely remember the two years I lived in North Carolina (when I was 8-9 years old) as being very unsettling and unhappy for me. I remember good stuff too, but I remember this inner sense of not belonging, going around our neighborhood trying to make new friends. My mom told me recently that she and my dad were both unhappy there and longed to go back closer to their family. So I think even in my really disconnected family, there is something to the fact that I really picked up on their emotions and when we moved back to a situation more stable and secure for them, I remember it as the best place we ever lived. Velly velly interesting....

first year of my life

ahhhhh...aha....light bulb dangles in the breeze....

i used to say that my life might really begin at age 35. this was because i spent 17 years under my parent's control (read: strict Christian upbringing, along with healthy doses of self-hatred & denial) and then at the end of my 34th year, i would have spent 17 years on my own. so 35 would be like the very first year of my life with an even score. so now the libra's scales have started to tip in a new direction, and just look what has happened. i only turned 35 a few weeks ago!!

when cons turn to pro(se)

last night i said to Pema that oddly enough, if i could pull out my old pros and cons list for reasons why i wanted to leave santa barbara, many of the former cons have turned into the exact opposite now: they're on the pros list for reasons to move back. crazy eh?

for instance, one of the cons for staying in SB was that I had friends who know me deeply, yet most of them do not have children. i thought i needed to change this, needed a different support system. so in Portland, 99% of my friends have children. but here, i have realized that in those truly stressful, bad mommy moments, when I run out of rope and need someone to be with Sophia while I walk out and scream, those child-less friends of mine were able to be there for me in a heartbeat. parents can't just leave home spontaneously, there's dinner to make or kids to put to bed. i think what i was really wanting was some mama/papa wisdom. but as i've learned since i got here, mama advice is only an email or call away. from the wise ones I've met here to my friends around the world, email has been my main connection to fellow moms all along. so why not go back to where the friends are, and keep the email mamas with me as well? (~photo is of Steven, my childless beloved friend a few hours after he'd helped bring Sophia into the world. i wanted to show the sunlight streaming thru the rosy windows of the cottage)

one more example: shortly after sophia turned 1, we moved to downtown SB. we lived on a very busy street corner. i used to say i wanted to live somewhere safe enough that Sophia could run outdoors and let the screen door bang behind her, that i wanted to be surrounded by easy access to nature and wild-ness. after hearing that there is a chance of the las canoas cottage being for rent again, and after my epiphany moment this week, i realized that the cottage has just the swinging screen door i was imagining all along. well, on the "move from santa barbara list" i was envisioning an old farm house in a field somewhere, that i owned. but i just realized that the cottage screen door opens onto a lawn toward the barn in one direction, and out onto the secret path to the citrus trees and the main house in the other direction. i realized i could teach her now how to navigate the driveway to even go up to the hay bale house to visit Pat & Nancy or play in the garden. and there is not much wilder or more nature-y a spot in SB than one's own private access to Rattlesnake trailhead & creek via a big grassy field full of huge rocks to climb and gopher holes to jump over. (~photo of aforementioned Pema with aforementioned 1 day old babe, near aforementioned open door)

these are just two examples of how this move has actually helped me manifest what I was looking for, as well as helped me to see what I was overlooking all along. what a blessed life i now possess. i am so grateful for this move and the gifts it has given me, above all, the vision to see my future, with both hindsight and foresight. i feel as if i'm on the upswing of the beginning of my life.

the other side of the mountain

the bear went over the mountain...one of Sophia's favorite songs...well here's a photo of my mountain, the view from 1810 Las Canoas Rd in Santa Barbara, where Sophia was born. i've got mount hood on here, so i might as well get the "mountain from whence cometh my strength" in here too (ok that's from the bible, more recently from "The Sound of Music" final scene). these hills in santa barbara have such power over me, even still. more so when i used to see them, smell them every day. there's something visceral in my emotional & physical body that is connected to these mountains. my friend Carol has given me past life connections, for which she has done soul retrievals on me, to release me from the hold this land has on me, but maybe i can never truly be rid of santa barbara in my veins.

today, during a long day out in the cold sunshine, i felt a bit more drawn to Portland for all of it's big city attractions that we haven't even begun to fully explore. we went to the zoo today, near the children's museum and other cool kid places. we drove past the famous rose garden and Japanese garden, with dense and immensely tall forest all around us. it IS beautiful here, no doubt about it. and as a city, it offers a lot of really cool stuff for kids, parents, anyone. and tonight as i shiver under a sweater near the heating vent, warming my cold extremities and muscles tired from a day of play in the brisk air, i remember in my body what winter feels like. memories that must be from my childhood. it's a nostalgic feeling, kind of nice, a little haunting since there is so little i remember from my childhood. but all in all, winter is just not a feeling i am used to, nor do i really think i enjoy. to be perfectly honest, the idea of seasons is lovely in my head and i used to think it odd to not have them in SB, but here in the full fledged fall to winter transition, it's just not my cup of tea. i need sun on my body and drier air. maybe its my ayurvedic disposition, maybe it's my inner reptile, i dunno, but i do know that i feel more at home sunning naked on a rock than slipping on damp, muddy, fallen leaves while dashing to my car in the pouring rain.

Las Canoas Road...i have been dreaming of my home there for a few days, weeks...the sun-filled cottage where i spent my pregancy and early motherhood, the big rock on the hill overlooking Skofield Park, Rattlesnake Canyon, and the entire city below fading into the place where the sea touches the sky. home of kamaze hummingirds and red-tail hawks, Matilija poppies, sage, rosemary, lavender, ironwood, oak. home of bobcats and coyotes who ate all the chickens and some of the cats. coyotes whose song matched mine during childbirth and echoed together thru those canyon walls. where meyer lemons, mexican limes, oranges and mandarins drip from the trees year-round. the location of births and deaths and lives of so many people i have loved. the barn with the big word PEACE on the side, in whose upper loft, countless traveling artists and wayward wanderers have found a night's rest. where i can go to sleep in the springtime with the sound of this creek rushing nearby and wake on summer mornings to the smell of the ocean, see the light glinting off its ripples as I sip my morning java.

so yes, my longings are more in santa barbara. my be-longings are in portland. where does this leave me? well...still fine with letting the cards fall as they may, but knowing that my strongest desire is to be back home. that's what it's at for tonight.

meandering musings on "to move or not to move"

1. realized last night that it's more than just not having friends here, but that there is no one here to give or receive love from/to. other than sophia of course. but not having anyone you love around...that's a weird place for me. they used to call me the honorary mayor of santa barbara because i knew nearly everyone in town. so here i am having nowhere to shell out all that love i have inside me, and likewise no one lighting up when they see me or sophia either. i mean i've got newish friends/acquaintances, but not people who love us deeply.

2. when i moved here, to ostensibly set up an intentionally communal living situation with the mullen family, right away we knew it wasn't working out, or it was going to take a lot more work than we'd envisioned to make the situation work for everyone. we had an awkward first week or so, then finally had a big talk about what wasn't working, which I thought was going to be the conversation that ended the living situation, but then, oddly enough, once we cleared the air and talked about it, everything felt a lot better and i actually considered for a while staying there (I ended up moving out a few weeks later for those who don't know the full story).

i'm sharing this because this same weird phenomenon is happening again. last night i made my decision, i had my epiphany moment and decided i was officially moving back. i couldn't sleep, at 3 am Sophia woke and for some reason was chatty so we talked about santa barbara and her friends, her old preschool, the cottage she was born in, the beach, and she really remembers it all so clearly and wants to go back. no prompting from me. then i toss and turn for a while, and 4:30 am get up to the computer to write or look for housing on craigslist in SB. my friend lauren in norway was online and we had a really long chat about my decision, it helped me gain so much clarity about moving, and there it was all out in the open and decided upon. right?

well today, it's like the mere conversation was the clearing i needed. somehow today, portland looks beautiful to me and i spent the day in 2 different neighborhoods with sophia, at a cafe, at a park, in an art supply store, taking a walk & playing in the fall leaves, just driving around a bit lost but still enjoying the beauty of the town and its distinct districts. i started thinking about how my sister wants to come out here and how maybe i should stay to give this place to her, to be her gateway drug into this new west coast reality. i started thinking my only problem is that i'm in one damn ugly neighborhood with no real cool factor nearby. if i just moved to one of these cute neighborhoods, how fun it would be for Sophia to have seasons, and how much more house for the buck we'd get here, more of a house than a studio or room in SB for the same rent. aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! pulling hair out.....

3. what happened to my decisiveness? last night i was making moving truck plots...tonight i am just grateful to be a bit more at peace, happy with either city for now, and just waiting for the universe to unfold its will to me. maybe Patrick or Michael will email me and let me know that the cottage is available soon, and I'll go to SB. maybe Ursula will decide if she is coming here or not. maybe a really great rental in one of the really great neighborhoods will come my way, or i will find a homeschool collective or a office or job share here...or there. maybe i will fall in love. maybe i will even just have one date where i have some kind of chemistry in my veins that serves to warm me thru this winter, instead of the sunny shores of CA. or maybe i'll find warmth inside and outside, either via global warming AND falling in love in Portland or moving AND falling in love in SB. who really knows. but the hooray theme of today is that right now, i am feeling peaceful and happy to just wait. ride it out. see what fate has in store instead of kicking fate in the shins like i usually do, trying to jumpstart and get in the way of whatever is supposed to happen to me.

it's not my style to be so laid back about my life. i usually take it by the horns, command the ship, want to KNOW what the cards hold, yet forget all about the sheer magic in just the reading of them. interesting sensation, and perhaps what this journey has been all about from the beginning. the changing of the guard...releasing MY control and giving in to "love's confusing joy".

( "I never learned to distinguish between illusion and miracle. I didn't need to. I trusted in love's confusing joy." ~ James Broughton )

hugs

OK this is truly not meant to be a "poor me" post, but I just realized tonight that I have only given/received 2 hugs in the last 2 months. And one was from someone I met thru an online dating service. Is that sad or what? I need to be around people I love enough to hug and who know me well enough to want to hug me when they see me. This is what life boils down to: who you love and how you love them. Forget sunshine versus rain, blue skies vs gray, small towns vs cities, new vs old...for me, the heart is the most important terrain to cultivate. The pros and cons list of where I should live pales in comparison to this overwhelmingly strong fact. I am not really sure why I wanted to complicate my already full life with the layers of moving to a new unfamiliar city with no true friends for miles around. It's something I never thought about. And the blessing of this move is that now I have. And if I return to Santa Barbara, it is with the benefit of having seen it from the grass on the other side.

babysitters and alone time

hmmm....i am by no means good at either of those things. i really WANT to be, and i am starting to see how much i really NEED to be, but it's not been my strong point, as a single mom. but i am just starting to get how much the breaks away from being a mom so greatly improve the resiliency and patience that it takes to BE a mom. even if it is to go to a preschool parents meeting to talk about her all night...it is still a break! and i know i need to create more time where i do something just for me, that has nothing to do with motherhood at all. i think this is crucial to my sanity and sustaining the level of mothering that I do now. Sophia, if you are reading this someday, please do know that it's only been a handful of times that i've even been away from you for a few hours. but i truly do want you to see me taking care of myself, which ultimately takes care of US better. i don't think a martyr truly serves anyone but themselves, and in the long run the martyrdom is a disservice to everyone, even the martyr. i grew up with that kind of mom and know you deserve a different role model from me. i also know i deserve it too.

so now, the hard part...manifesting the kind of support system in my life that will allow me to take these breaks. i need to increase my flow of friends and babysitters that i can fully trust will take as good care of Sophia as I would. each in their own way, both similar and unique to my way, to give stability & consistency in the way things are done, yet giving her some variety in the types of adult personalities in her life. i have to find those people here, because i left behind people like that in santa barbara. not sure what the logic in that was, but i had reasons at the time! i just have to either remember those reasons and re-connect with them, or decide to move back to where that source of support lies.

ahhh...no small task, but that's the task at hand!

moved by portland

No, that's not a typo. I know I just moved *to* Portland, but tonight, for the first time, I was moved *by* some of the natural beauty of Portland. Completely unexpectedly. Was driving across the Willamette River that divides this city into east & west, on my way to pick up Sophia from preschool. Usually not a fun commute. (more of my thoughts about being a work at home mom with a commute later...)

Tonight, the view at twilight took my breath away. To my left, a beautifully full and glowing moon, perfect and round and luminous. On my right rose the stunning snow-covered Mount Hood, a pure white jagged peak, rising up above the buzz of the trafficky urban maze. The sky was at least 3 colors, melding from periwinkle to lavender to pink and the first stars began to twinkle in that rosy upper layer.

I have to say, it's the first shot in the arm of natural beauty equivalent to the daily doses I got in Santa Barbara. Yes, the fall colors are amazing. Yes, the fir lined hills hold a more quiet grace than the palm-lined beaches. But mountains have always held some sway over me, and living in them, being cradled by them in Santa Barbara always left me speechless. The constancy of warm sunny days which bred flowers and plants like I'd never seen before always captivated me. And the smells...of the ocean, the dusty chapparel, the night-blooming jasmine or the intoxicating orange blossoms...indescribable. And not yet matched by Portland's natural fare.

Yet...I said "not yet", because I just don't know what Portland smells like yet.

Keeping my nose open and my eyes toward the sky...

2nd Birthday pic

Heh, I don't have any recent photos...here's one from Sophia's 2nd birthday but that was in March!

a blog, how hip is that?!

Alright, I succumb...I've finally given in to the urge to make a blog. Everyone needs an outlet right? I used to journal, now I have a child. But have been doing some thinking lately that I need to spend a little bit of reflective time everyday, to clear the mind, review my day, give gratitude for the ways in which I made life wonderful today (thanks Marshall! www.cnvc.org). So this is it. And perhaps will double as a gift, a legacy of memory to hand down to my daughter someday.

Oh yeah, so who is Hip Mama? Me, Laura, age 35 now, single mom to the lovely Hip Babe, Sophia, age 2.5. We live in Portland, OR, just moved here a few months ago from Santa Barbara, CA, my warm and sunny home for the past 12-13 years. But more on that later!

and...cut, publish, that's a wrap!!