end of a historic year

Every new year creates a bit of history, now doesn't it? But this one is holds so much, both personally and for the world at large.

Sophia & I did our part in electing the nation's first African American president. I am so proud and awestruck that we did it...hard working volunteers around the nation pitched in and made it happen. My 5.5 year old learned so much about the electoral process and about fairness and what we as a family value in the world, by talking about what Obama represents, why we are so lucky in this country to have a chance to vote, and how far this nation has come in regard to how we treat people with different colors of skin. She watched as I volunteered, she even pitched in herself numerous times. It's her 2nd presidential election to volunteer for, but the last one she rode along asleep on my back for most of it.


Then there's Prop 8 in California and all the other anti-gay ballot initiatives which took us backwards in the civil rights movement, in my opinion. These were stunning blows, I worked tirelessly in phone banks on Prop 8, and it paid off here in Santa Barbara county, the only southern California county to vote No on 8. I'm still working for the cause and will not rest until this issue is moot. I for one am not willing to pass this fight on to my daughter. I pray it's resolved before she even thinks about going on her first date!

This year, personally, I have come to realize that while I have come a long way, I still have a long way I'd like to go on my journey. I want to stop being so critical. I want to feel happier, laugh more, love more, work less, live in my gratitude more. I have gotten a bit weighed down. I want to shed those things that don't lift me up and I want to dance, rejoice, giggle, cuddle and play more. I don't want my daughter to feel disconnected from me. I want to meet her where she's at, even if that means giving up on cleaning the house or volunteering for a cause, and sitting on the floor playing Littlest Pet Shop for an hour!

So if you don't see a blog post for a rather long time, you can imagine I might be having a tea party or dressing these way too teeeny tiny Polly Pocket dolls in their itsy bitsy rubber dresses. I sure hope that's my excuse next time!

fall

it's fall. i was talking to a friend tonight briefly about what we both love about fall, why we love it. right now, fall in santa barbara means a shift in the weather, a cooler crispness to the air, some leaves (not many) on the ground, and today, rain. not heavy rain, but rain.

i know it's fall because i hear the wind. i hear damp leaves being blown around in the cold night air outside my door. in the air, i smell the plants giving over to the change of seasons. leaves falling, rotting, becoming earth. i sense the trees going dormant, the gardens shriveling up, the ground getting fallow and sleepy, ready for winter. i pile another blanket on the bed, close the windows i have had open all summer, and i feel the dread in me of longer nights, less sunlight. i feel myself shrinking inward, wanting to get into the warmth of hearth and home, out of the darkness and cold.

fall is about going inside, turning inward. i love this and need it on a deep level, though at the same time, i grieve the loss of the light and time outdoors, face turned upward, heart turned outward. now is time to reflect, recharge, and hibernate, later to emerge into the glorious sunlight once more.

insert recent picture here

questioning a blog

long time, no bloggy. i know. i say it every time i come back from a lapse. but i think this time, i get why i go away and then come back.

i think this blog no longer matches what i want/need to write about. there is a shift in me, whether planetary or just in terms of my own personal growth path, from what this blog has been about in the past. this blog seemed a dumping ground for me in my path as a mother. a place both to ponder and wax poetic about motherhood, but also, and more often, a place to whine, complain, seek guidance, or just dump all my grief, pain and tiredness that i collected along the mothering path.

so my quandry now is this: do i start a new blog or do i shift this one to match my own shifting? i would feel more energized by a new blog, give it a fresh facelift and start anew. but i started this one as a tribute to my path with Sophia, a legacy to hand her one day that she could read thru and get a glimpse of a time in her life which she may not have clear memories of. so why not show all the twists and turns that path contained? why not keep the good and the bad together, as a real composite picture?

i'm leaning toward that latter option, just riding it out. i might give it a new design to help infuse new energy and reflect how i really feel in my journey right now. it is in its 2nd graphical look since inception anyway. i've changed my hair color at least that many times since i started this blog, so why not the design too!

ok i talked myself into it. new look on the way. but i really have to make sure that i don't let the energy of what i know is lurking in the archives drag me down. because i really want to keep writing here. so if a new blog is what will help me keep coming back, then i might have to keep that option on the back burner. but for now, i re-commit to the original intention of this blog. onward!!

Help!

Not sure I even have readers out there anymore, but I am stuck. Sophia started kindergarten last month, and comes home in tears almost every day. Usually because of older kids teasing her, mainly because she doesn't know how to fit in to this huge school full of so many kids from so many backgrounds and who really don't want to play with a kindergartner. She's in a K-1 class at one of our local alternative charter schools, but it's still so hard. There are rough, mean kids in her class. They tease relentlessly. They steal stuff from her backpack. She should stay away, but she is drawn like a moth to the flame, wanting to play with these older kids. But they want no part of a little kid hanging out with them.

She also attends the afterschool program, since as a single mom, I need to be working to support us. So it's a long day for her. At 3pm, the older kids (up to 3rd grade) join the afterschool program and then there are even more big kids for her to be drawn to. Wash, rinse, repeat.

But I am ready to challenge my status quo. Do I really need to work fulltime? Do I have it in me to do what it takes? And what, precisely, does it take? I know so many of my friends have done it, but how? I have no idea where to begin and I am soooo not used to not knowing that. I have a good paying 9-5 job, really good for this area. And this is one of the most expensive places in the US to live, so it's not like I can just start knitting from home for income. I don't know what to do.

If anyone has ideas for me on how to transition into homeschooling, please send along. I really appreciate it!