reflecting on a blog

happy mother's day everyone. we went to an amazing church service today, with urging to let go of any old crap you still think your mother owes you and move to the now, move to a place of love. it was much a bigger and better message than that, but this is the piece that stuck with me. it's true. the primary thing all mothers gave us, whether they were good, bad, indifferent or absent, they gave us life. what they did from there on varies with each of us, but one thing i think is true, is that our mothers did the best they could with what they had. not all of them had the best tools, some had too much of their own pain to see thru. some had misguided ideas of what was best or right. but what we decide to do with it from here, that part is up to us.

i started this post as a reminder to myself of my initial intent with this blog. i happened to go back to my first post tonight and saw that my intention was to use this to reflect on my day, my life with sophia, and to create a kind of gratitude journal for us to look back on. i strayed from that course a bit and this had started to become the chronicles of my move to portland and back.

so tonight, i reflect on a beautiful 24 past hours. first a babysitter and a night out for mama, perhaps only 4th or 5th time to do that in 3 years. went to a fundraising gala for local arts workspace, all dressed up and dancing under the stars. was taken cruising with 3 handsome men in a 20 foot 1960 cadillac, stopping along state street for tequilla shots...then back to the dance floor and 3 different propositions for a "ride home"...hah! what a night for a single mom, eh? i went home with known and beloved riccardo, father of my child, with whom i've been somewhat estranged for the last 2 weeks. we're finally navigating the tough choices of our relationship and finding our way. i've been trying to reclaim myself, my sexuality, and all things relating to riccardo. but last night, the magic was in the air, and perhaps something about others wanting me did something for him, who really knows, but a ride home turned into a powerful physical reconnection, then he left at 5 am to take his mom to vegas for a few days. not sure when we will see him again, we are working out at least 1 night a week visitation.

whoosh, got way off track there...just a little update, but back to reflecting...so fun night of drinking and dancing and a chance to step out in heels and an evening gown...all to the tune of flattering compliments from so many people i know and love. great music, full moon, and all the time, the lovely Pema had my sweetie pie out on a date of her own, dancing and drumming until a pretty darn late 11 pm for a 3 year old! Pems spent the night and she and Sophia made me a mother's day breakfast in bed! then we all went to the church service, saw so many more people i know and love. wild that i'd never even heard of that church and its less than a half a mile from my house. after sophia and i went to the library and had lunch out, then back home for a long nap. tonight i made sophia dinner in bed because she liked this concept so much!

overall a lovely mothers day. i have a deep gratitude for the messages coming my way about divine love. i have been searching for a spiritual path for some time. the crazy thing is that now it seems to be searching for me. i am deeply grateful for my biggest teacher, my sweet and beautiful sophia. i am at every moment simultaneously proud of her, in awe of her, in awe of me, and scared out of my gourd! i want so much to give her a golden childhood, and also see the effects that single motherhood has on that dream. i want so much better for her than what i am often able to provide. i guess every mother feels that way. i just pray a little, breathe a lot and keep on trying harder.

and i wonder how often my mother did the exact same thing.

$2000 vs just a little piece of land

i'm looking for a place to live in santa barbara, my homeland. y'all know that. so as it usually goes in this little big town, i got a word-of-mouth referral about a house for rent. 2 bedrooms, 1 bath. walking distance to preschool. small but nice. just a regular looking house with aluminum siding, with very little of the charm you can usually find around here. funky details inside, not quite cute details, just funky. no garage, but a big, water-tight storage shed as well as a detached art studio space with electricity. it could be just storage, but it has a nice big picture window overlooking the spacious back yard, window is framed by cactus and aloe plants...far too inspiring for simply storing boxes!

so the backyard is about as much square footage as the house: one third is a covered patio, in red Satillo tile; two thirds is grass bordered by raised garden beds, oak, palm & lemon trees, with the backdrop of a steep but very picturesque oak and nasturtium covered hillside. this backyard and the art studio, these are the things that make the house. the things that i want for my daughter and i. the things that make me start to consider paying rent of $2000 per month.

then i step back and think whoa nelly, what the hell? two grand a month? to rent someone else's house? with their ugly carpet choices and their unwillingness to part from stark white walls? where i come from, paying even half of that is considered a mortgage on a very nice house. add that to the fact that i've been struggling to pay $1000-1200 for the last 4 years. what then possesses me to start even thinking about $2000?

it's that yard that's seducing me. how sophia's room has french doors leading right out to it. how there is no other house behind it, just the wilderness coming down to meet its neighbors. plus some spaces for us. sophia to have her own room. me to have a studio again.

i shake the fairy dust out of my eyes, blink a few times and realize i need to keep looking. for $2000, i'm finding THE perfect place, not a bunch of weird details to "settle" on. for $2300, i could likely find a 3 bed/2 bath spot, something easier to rent a room out and share the rent. Or for $1200 maybe i can still find a one bedroom in this town and I get a nice futon couch and give Sophia the bedroom, like many single moms i know in this town.

next time you see me, remind me to not give up the dream for that little piece of land for me and my little piece of girl to set our roots down in and bloom.

it's out there, right?

hmm well hmmm

Just haven't blogged in so long, I felt I needed to post an update. In no particular order.

So we did not get that house down in the previous post. Our dream home still eludes us here. But we found a fun landing place for 3 months, until mid-June, which gets us to a better rental time of year, when students are leaving, etc. In the meantime, we can take our time looking for the perfect home and for now, we are in a really nice 4 bedroom, 2 story house, with fireplaces (plural) and granite kitchen countertops, 2 car garage...all for pretty cheap because it's a temp rental and the landlord is a nice guy. Photos here are from Sophia's recent 3rd bday party at our house. You can see more photos here.

Riccardo is back in CA visiting us, in between going down to LA for work. He's been down there for a few weeks. For spring break, we went to SF with our friends, Jack, Diana and 3 year old Santiago. Visited the aquarium, saw sea lions on the pier, went to MOMA (great Calder exhibit!), the huge Apple store, Berkeley & the Children's Museum there, lots of bookstores & toystores & an art gallery & the Art Institute (got a tour from Michelle!), and rode street cars, the trolley & even a ferry across the bay! Saw our friends Michelle and Laureen (& all of team Hudson) up there. Fun, fun but ever so urban.

We're planning a trip to Sea World in San Diego for the last weekend of April. Sophia is currently obsessed with beluga whales, as well as her other favorites: orcas, dolphins, octopi, manta rays and anything you might have seen in Finding Nemo. She got a fish for her birthday, named it Dory of course, but don't tell Sophia it's only a betta!

All in all, in case I haven't said it yet, it's good to be home. Thanks to everyone who has checked in with us. We're doing well! And what's funny, I have a humungous house here, and I seem to find every bedroom full almost every night. We have one paying roommate, Aubri, and then there's me, Sophia, sometimes Riccardo, every once in a while an artist friend down on their luck or a visiting professor from Europe or all of the above at once! A friend noticed that I seem to have built a little village...and how it's funny that I went up to Portland seeking intentional community, and yet I probably had it all along here, I just couldn't afford a large enough house in Santa Barbara! But my personality type is one of open doors and hospitality, with a soft spot for the lost puppies of the world, so with any luck, I will be able to continue to manifest this kind of community and generosity, leading to always having a full table at dinner and finding all of my sheets in continual use!

homeless but home again

well we have been back in santa barbara for almost a month. still looking for a home, but having a roof over our heads thanks to the gracious generosity of friends. the house hunt has taken way longer than I'd anticipated, but thankfully Jack, Diana and Santiago are in Argentina and needing a house/pet sitter so we're on our way to tend gardens, chickens, snakes, mice, turtles, fish and a dog.

crossing our fingers that this might turn out to be our new house, so if anyone is seeing this, send us your good vibes around 2 pm tomorrow when i will hopefully find out if it's ours or not. we're meeting the owners and seeing if they like us and my credit report.

other than an insane amount of time-consuming house and preschool hunting and also the ever present trying to work without childcare, being back has been great. seeing our friends and being in this glorious sunny weather has been tonic for the soul. interesting to see what has changed here and what has stayed the same. most of it is probably changes within my own perceptions really. above all, i still carry the gratitude in my heart for being back home and am riding the waves of this transition with a positive outlook.

the return has been good for sophia, she is really happy to be back, but it's also been a lot of transition for her. and i am learning to forgive myself for that too. parents can be really really hard on themselves for their choices and i am no exception. i look forward to the calm that will hopefully settle back around our lives soon.

until then, it's springtime here and everything is blooming.

lupin growing on the roadside >>

"Spring has returned. The earth is like a child that knows poems."- Rilke

RENTED!

OK the house is rented, someone signed a lease, we're on our way back home!!! Off to get boxes and mattress covers...hurrah!!