when cons turn to pro(se)

last night i said to Pema that oddly enough, if i could pull out my old pros and cons list for reasons why i wanted to leave santa barbara, many of the former cons have turned into the exact opposite now: they're on the pros list for reasons to move back. crazy eh?

for instance, one of the cons for staying in SB was that I had friends who know me deeply, yet most of them do not have children. i thought i needed to change this, needed a different support system. so in Portland, 99% of my friends have children. but here, i have realized that in those truly stressful, bad mommy moments, when I run out of rope and need someone to be with Sophia while I walk out and scream, those child-less friends of mine were able to be there for me in a heartbeat. parents can't just leave home spontaneously, there's dinner to make or kids to put to bed. i think what i was really wanting was some mama/papa wisdom. but as i've learned since i got here, mama advice is only an email or call away. from the wise ones I've met here to my friends around the world, email has been my main connection to fellow moms all along. so why not go back to where the friends are, and keep the email mamas with me as well? (~photo is of Steven, my childless beloved friend a few hours after he'd helped bring Sophia into the world. i wanted to show the sunlight streaming thru the rosy windows of the cottage)

one more example: shortly after sophia turned 1, we moved to downtown SB. we lived on a very busy street corner. i used to say i wanted to live somewhere safe enough that Sophia could run outdoors and let the screen door bang behind her, that i wanted to be surrounded by easy access to nature and wild-ness. after hearing that there is a chance of the las canoas cottage being for rent again, and after my epiphany moment this week, i realized that the cottage has just the swinging screen door i was imagining all along. well, on the "move from santa barbara list" i was envisioning an old farm house in a field somewhere, that i owned. but i just realized that the cottage screen door opens onto a lawn toward the barn in one direction, and out onto the secret path to the citrus trees and the main house in the other direction. i realized i could teach her now how to navigate the driveway to even go up to the hay bale house to visit Pat & Nancy or play in the garden. and there is not much wilder or more nature-y a spot in SB than one's own private access to Rattlesnake trailhead & creek via a big grassy field full of huge rocks to climb and gopher holes to jump over. (~photo of aforementioned Pema with aforementioned 1 day old babe, near aforementioned open door)

these are just two examples of how this move has actually helped me manifest what I was looking for, as well as helped me to see what I was overlooking all along. what a blessed life i now possess. i am so grateful for this move and the gifts it has given me, above all, the vision to see my future, with both hindsight and foresight. i feel as if i'm on the upswing of the beginning of my life.