meandering musings on "to move or not to move"

1. realized last night that it's more than just not having friends here, but that there is no one here to give or receive love from/to. other than sophia of course. but not having anyone you love around...that's a weird place for me. they used to call me the honorary mayor of santa barbara because i knew nearly everyone in town. so here i am having nowhere to shell out all that love i have inside me, and likewise no one lighting up when they see me or sophia either. i mean i've got newish friends/acquaintances, but not people who love us deeply.

2. when i moved here, to ostensibly set up an intentionally communal living situation with the mullen family, right away we knew it wasn't working out, or it was going to take a lot more work than we'd envisioned to make the situation work for everyone. we had an awkward first week or so, then finally had a big talk about what wasn't working, which I thought was going to be the conversation that ended the living situation, but then, oddly enough, once we cleared the air and talked about it, everything felt a lot better and i actually considered for a while staying there (I ended up moving out a few weeks later for those who don't know the full story).

i'm sharing this because this same weird phenomenon is happening again. last night i made my decision, i had my epiphany moment and decided i was officially moving back. i couldn't sleep, at 3 am Sophia woke and for some reason was chatty so we talked about santa barbara and her friends, her old preschool, the cottage she was born in, the beach, and she really remembers it all so clearly and wants to go back. no prompting from me. then i toss and turn for a while, and 4:30 am get up to the computer to write or look for housing on craigslist in SB. my friend lauren in norway was online and we had a really long chat about my decision, it helped me gain so much clarity about moving, and there it was all out in the open and decided upon. right?

well today, it's like the mere conversation was the clearing i needed. somehow today, portland looks beautiful to me and i spent the day in 2 different neighborhoods with sophia, at a cafe, at a park, in an art supply store, taking a walk & playing in the fall leaves, just driving around a bit lost but still enjoying the beauty of the town and its distinct districts. i started thinking about how my sister wants to come out here and how maybe i should stay to give this place to her, to be her gateway drug into this new west coast reality. i started thinking my only problem is that i'm in one damn ugly neighborhood with no real cool factor nearby. if i just moved to one of these cute neighborhoods, how fun it would be for Sophia to have seasons, and how much more house for the buck we'd get here, more of a house than a studio or room in SB for the same rent. aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!! pulling hair out.....

3. what happened to my decisiveness? last night i was making moving truck plots...tonight i am just grateful to be a bit more at peace, happy with either city for now, and just waiting for the universe to unfold its will to me. maybe Patrick or Michael will email me and let me know that the cottage is available soon, and I'll go to SB. maybe Ursula will decide if she is coming here or not. maybe a really great rental in one of the really great neighborhoods will come my way, or i will find a homeschool collective or a office or job share here...or there. maybe i will fall in love. maybe i will even just have one date where i have some kind of chemistry in my veins that serves to warm me thru this winter, instead of the sunny shores of CA. or maybe i'll find warmth inside and outside, either via global warming AND falling in love in Portland or moving AND falling in love in SB. who really knows. but the hooray theme of today is that right now, i am feeling peaceful and happy to just wait. ride it out. see what fate has in store instead of kicking fate in the shins like i usually do, trying to jumpstart and get in the way of whatever is supposed to happen to me.

it's not my style to be so laid back about my life. i usually take it by the horns, command the ship, want to KNOW what the cards hold, yet forget all about the sheer magic in just the reading of them. interesting sensation, and perhaps what this journey has been all about from the beginning. the changing of the guard...releasing MY control and giving in to "love's confusing joy".

( "I never learned to distinguish between illusion and miracle. I didn't need to. I trusted in love's confusing joy." ~ James Broughton )